Ready to sleep and so chilled. And I must be brave enough to tell people what I need.

I know that I previously said I wasn’t going to take 20mg of Diazepam again but I really need to feel chilled tonight. I find it so difficult not to retaliate to things. And I am refusing to do so at all costs. I need the patience of a saint which I naturally do not have to ignore the judgments of my past by others. I need to reset my sleep pattern so this is also the best way to do that. I seem to have an ever increasing list of things to do and never seem to get them done. I’m trying to live on very little income since PIP refused me that benefit so everything else got cut as well. I have no idea when the tribunal date is going to come through. Financial issues have really started to stress me out recently. I would love to go out there and get a job but I have my record, lack of work experience and I’m in no fit state right now to be able to consistently work.  I’ve always tried so hard to make up for my short falls but I wear myself out and then go off the rails.

The truth is that I’ve never accepted my health problems. I never wanted to accept that I had learning disabilities. I couldn’t stand being on the outside of groups. I just wanted to be an insider and I knew that this could never happen because of my differences. I loved certain people (in a friends way) and those types have always rejected me. I then tried to perfect myself which was impossible. I would just never be good enough for them because I’m not the type of person they like. But, it’s torture when they’re the kind of person you’re drawn to as a friend. I wish that I’d never tried to please certain people that just left me in a state of poverty because psychics kept coming back to me saying that one day we’d be friends. I’m now living on next to nothing after my benefits have been cut. I’m joining every possible avenue to try to obtain some form of income, even if it is freelance. Networking via linkedin and asking around as much as possible for even small media related projects that I could do until I’ve sorted my financial predicament out.

I try not to listen to my Mother because she is a narcissist who doesn’t give a crap about my wishes or what I need. But, she said I couldn’t go back to do GCSE Maths after passing my functional skills level 2 Maths because I wouldn’t be able to afford to on the income I’m getting now. I want to stay there though because I prefer the city than the county. I know people there now and for the whole of my life others have dictated where I have to go, and for once I’m putting my foot down. I’m putting my foot down in many different ways. I am NOT weird or horrible and I will not have others saying that behind my back. I used to be shy and too scared to argue a point, but now I feel that if I have an issue then it is best to say something. It is all about the art of communication and quite frankly if someone has the wrong end of the stick, then I am going to point it out to them. It’s not about arguing with anyone. It’s about negotiations and preventing misunderstandings. I just have to push my shyness, anxiety and lack of confidence aside and then I’ll be able to do it.

I’m literally falling asleep here because they’re starting to take effect, so I’m going to have to log off for the night now.