I have done everything to explain my disability to others and how things affect me. I can’t do any more. I am not asking to be ‘besties’, just for things not to be left the way that they are right now. I have absolutely no fight left in me to try to counteract the ignorance that has propelled what has happened. I’m now going to carry on with my own projects and sorting out my financial issues caused by the benefit changes. I can’t leave that any longer. Others can think what they want about me. But, just remember that you never really got to know me before you judged me. I don’t even want karma to catch up with any of you for what you did to me. That is because I do not wish for others to ever feel the pain that I’ve felt due to things that have occurred. The younger version of me was always hell bent on revenge. I grew up to realise that there was more to life than getting even with those that hurt you, even intentionally or unintentionally. Of course, I am still broken over what has gone on… but, when you’re born different, this is just what I have to expect my entire life. I just have to switch off to the ignorance of others and the way they behave towards me.
I have decided want a creative type of career. It is the only type of career that I can possibly have using my skills alone to prove that I deserve a chance. I also enjoy making and designing things, even though I excel more when working with colour than anything which involves drawing. I’ve never been good at drawing but working with colour comes as part of my nature. I am still torn between whether I will send some form of audition tape into the X Factor production team for 2019 series. It depends when the deadline is and I’m more likely to do the video if the deadline is after my Maths exam. I need to remember how to sing because I haven’t done it for so long. I enjoy singing but I haven’t felt like doing it for a long time. I keep listening to music because I really want to write my own song to submit. I know a few basics about music from my childhood enough to be able to do that. I can write it on a keyboard. I tried the guitar and violin but I didn’t get on with string instruments.
I like the idea of become a multi genre artist type (eg. singer songwriter, artwork production, writer/journalist and anything that I may discover a long the way). There is another Autistic that was an artist type of multi talent called Donna Williams who grew up in Australia (http://www.donnawilliams.net). She wrote a book entitled ‘Nobody Nowhere’ (about her earlier life) and ‘Somebody Somewhere’ (about her later life). Unfortunately, she passed away last year after a battle with Cancer in her early 50s. I used to speak to her online. She found her happy ending with her husband Chris. I was only telling him on twitter the other day how she used to speak about him. She absolutely adored him. I said some words of comfort to him a few weeks after the anniversary of her death because I didn’t want to upset him as things can feel rather raw on the actual day of anyone’s death. I remember the day she told me via social network when she had just come back from finding out her breast cancer was terminal. She told me that life was short and she was off to spend time with her husband and cats. 7 months later she had passed away. I just found it amazing how she was so accepting of it all. Early 50’s is still no age to pass away. Her humour in the face of that much adversity was so inspiring. If she had any fear about what was to come eventually, she never showed it.
I honestly don’t think my artwork will ever compare to hers. We are all different though and I’m more into writing rather than art. However, recently, I have dabbled more in the art world because I volunteer in the Management team (promoted after 3 months of being a feedback volunteer because of my qualities and personal values), Feedback volunteer and I welcome new members into the groups on Facebook. Fledglings Art Collective Central provides a platform both online and offline for those struggling with mental health, addiction, gender dysphoria, sexuality and anyone who doesn’t feel like they ‘fit’ into society. Our Facebook wings (groups) consists of an Art, Photography, Writing/Poetry, Music, Film and there are also those trained or training in Psychology to provide outreach support to those struggling with the above issues. This organisation is very new and they are always looking for donations from the public. Once we have enough funds to start up the offline part of the project, I’d love to set up a Fledglings project in Leicester and parts of the Leicestershire county because there has always been a quite a bit of ignorance and division in this area which has existed since I was a child. I think all forms of art via this project could tackle that ignorance and effectively stitch the divisions together between the different groups that reside in this county.
I still need to talk to my jewellery making friend after my exams about that side of things. I’m still learning to knit so I don’t think I’ll be making anything artistic out of that medium right now. Others have told me I should try modelling too (seeing as I’ve spent so much effort trying to get into shape). I decided against the online web cam girl modelling. I’m just not that type of person. I feel that I may be making myself seem cheap if I do that kind of thing. I need the money but I have self respect. I know that we don’t have to strip or anything but men using those services do try to push the girls to do them a more explicit or revealing show than they want to do by offering them money (knowing that if they’re struggling for money they’ll do it for them). I’m also aware that women who have done that work in a previous job (e.g katie price) aren’t respected by people for doing that kind of work. I have a brain. I don’t want to be seen in that light. I know that my Dad and Grandparents that have passed over wouldn’t want me doing that kind of work either. I’m most likely already a disappointment enough to them already for my mistakes I’ve made since they passed away.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 