‘Everything happens for a reason’. I run through my artistic pursuits of the last 18 months… to try to make myself feel better about current circumstances.

I’m really feeling sad tonight. I can’t see how everything I’ve been through has happened for a reason. I’m distraught over all the horrible things that have happened in my life. I have never felt traumatised this much in my entire life. I literally have to take painkillers and diazepam (which I’ve had to buy from a trusted website— there is literally only one that I actually trust for genuine medication). I have completely lost all my previous ambitions which I had as a younger person. I’d rather be drugged up 24/7 on some kind of substance. Maybe not illegal substances because I’d never take them. I just like the feeling of floating and not really being present.

Life is too painful when you’re a certain level of intelligence. I wish that I had never found out some of the things that I did because now they haunt me. I’d rather have stayed out of it. I could have had such a better life. I see no point in this one whatsoever. I’m not a person that others want to know. Well, I am but I wanted a career and to not be unemployed. I’m not a snob, I get on with anyone. I just don’t want to be stuck in the circle I’m stuck in for the rest of my life. I’ve never felt so lost before because my whole past has just torn me down so easily. I need a break, but I don’t want a break because it’s against my nature. I’m the kind who believes ‘the show must go on’ in whatever the circumstances.

But, I really am not in that frame of mind right now. I keep getting reminded to send in an audition tape for the x factor via my online submission. I can’t even remember how to sing and I haven’t sang anything in such a very long time (3 years). I literally can’t remember how to do it. I just felt like applying to audition because it is easier now as the first auditions are done via online audition submissions. There is no waiting in huge queues for first auditions anymore. If the panel like someone, they invite them to audition in front of the audience in London (meaning the format has got rid of the first stage auditions and is now focusing more on the in front of a live audience if they like people’s videos auditions). I might try to write my own song or rappy thing. And when I say rap, it is more like ‘posh sounding rap’ with a bit of singing mixed into it. I still have too much of a southern accent to my voice to sound traditionally rappy. 

I always wanted to do my own version of Eminem’s rainman and change some of the words to create an important message to teach television audiences about autism in an entertaining way which gets them to understand without them consciously realising they’re taking in the lesson within the song. That’s going to take a few weeks preparation though and I’m not sure if the deadline is very close to submitting audition tapes. If not, I may have to knock something up via a cover version sort of thing and just send anything. It’s very unlikely the producers will like me anyway. They want someone with stage presence and last time they told me that I would have to visible stop shaking because it was so obvious and coming through in my voice. There is no way that stage presence can happen when you’re nerves are being dominant. The balance has to be just right so that you can have nerves but they don’t affect your performance. I’ve listened to that song many times and I’ve just thought that I could do so much with it which would completely change it’s message but still keep the format.

Of course, I would have to change some of the wording because it is rather offensive in places and wouldn’t fit with what I want to change it into. I’m never going to be able to write a song from scratch because I do not play a musical instrument. I did try to learn the violin and organ as a child but I wasn’t very patient and I lost interest quite quickly. I’ve always been able to carry a tune though as far as singing. I know when I am completely off key before anyone tells me. People keep telling me I should go out there and teach people about rare forms of Autism such as PDA. Even if I don’t get on the actual programme, I could still put it on YouTube or some other video sharing site (due to the copywrite blocking on YouTube nowadays). The fact that most of the lyrics will be changed (and everyone who has listened to Eminem will know exactly why I will be doing) so it may be accepted by YouTube. I will refrain from keeping in some swearing because all ages could be listening to it. Anyway, for sure it will never get on television if you swear on your audition tape. It is literally not allowed on television at that time of night.

I can barely do daily things at the moment, let alone the things above. I’m going to see when the exact deadline is and then decide whether I’m going to ‘get creative’ on an idea such as above. I have already entered a few art and a written things this year. I started off writing a short story ‘Discombobulated Stratagem (fiction)’ for one of a collection of 3 Anthologies late last year, the proceeds to them went to a Cancer charity and Emmaus Homeless charity. I won a Christmas Card Design Competition last Christmas for a small Aspergers charity (one who I was involved in down South). I entered NAS’s Christmas Card Design but didn’t win that (however, due to the amount of entrants around the country that is extremely difficult to win). I also have submitted my entries for a ‘letter in mind – a way with colour’ which will be on display with all the other entries at  the Gallery @OXO Tower Wharf in London from 27th – 30th September 2018. All the envelope designs are being sold anonymously, so we aren’t allowed to release our artist identities until after the exhibition. The proceeds towards that will go towards projects at the National Hospital and The UCL (Institute of Neurology). Their work consists of research of all types of neurological conditions in regards to diagnosis and treatment. The funds also go towards training clinicians specialising in the field of neurology. 

I really do want to dip my hands into everything but I am well aware that I do need a break. I’m supposed to be writing a review on PDA by PDAers compiled by Sally Cat for Jessica Kingsley Publishers soon. I got the book for free in return that I do them a review after I’ve read it on my blog. I may let them use my review on their official advertisements on their website and book advertisements. I will technically own the intellectual property copywrite for the review that I publish on here. I probably won’t get round to finishing that after my final exam in a fortnight. I will get onto it as soon as possible though in between benefit tribunals which must take priority because I’m barely scraping by since they took my DLA off of me and refused me PIP.

Also, if that doesn’t happen, despite not feeling like I can’t work with my disability and trauma from my past at the moment, my other option is trying to get a paid opportunity from the scheme that gives ex offenders work experience which can lead to a permanent position depending on their performance. I’ve managed to pull myself back from the brink of a breakdown many times, so I’m hoping to do that again. I need to keep chasing all the options because I haven’t even got the PIP tribunal date yet or been contacted by the programme that I’ve been referred to via probation. I just have to do something because I financially can’t carry on with this little money long term and be able to afford bills and living expenses. Even if I can just get a percentage of daily living component back for PIP then I could get the percentage of my rent back which I lost because of being under 35. Then I could stay in the work group of ESA and build up to how much I am permitted to earn per week. That is until universal credit migration happens (which those of us who haven’t been migrated onto it are absolutely petrified of due to what we’ve heard from those that have already gone through it).