I learned something today while listening to a radio show on the way home from somewhere in the car. This illustrates how naïve I actually am because I didn’t have a clue that other women thought this way. As someone who wasn’t popular at school or even in their group of hangers on, I didn’t like those groups at school. Some of those groups bullied me and made me feel like a freak. That is why I didn’t like them as they were cruel to me. I obviously do not think like a typical woman because I never really understood why some women just hated the existence of other women. There never seemed to be any logic in it and I really thought that they were just being pathetic. I had other females bitch me and leave me out when I was in friendship groups and I blamed myself for not being ‘good enough’. I’m sure not every female lives their life by these unwritten social complexities. I certainly haven’t lived my life using the social framework mentioned on the radio today.
This is the ‘Triple Threat – Beautiful Face, Body and Personality’. It finally dawned on me why I’d experienced such conflict with other females but had a lot of male ‘friends’. Maybe there has never been a proper terminology for how women see certain other women before, but there hasn’t always been labels for things. I thought the bitchiness and hate were just because of my own faults which pissed off others. It actually probably wasn’t as much that as the fact that I was seen as a triple threat in their eyes. I don’t like my face, but others tell me it’s naturally pretty. I’ve always been curvy and my personality is reasonable when it’s not covered by anxiety and shyness. I don’t hold back when I have something that I think needs to be said. Maybe other women do see me as a threat? I certainly am not a threat to them. Let’s face it, I will never be a Mother ever again. It is also highly unlikely that my son will ever find me. I’m never going to get a career because no one gives anyone a chance with a criminal record. I do have talents but my lack of confidence stops me showing them.
On the other hand, if this triple threat thing is such an issue to some women. Then I do not mind working alongside women who see me in that way. I would willingly work in the background to prop them up when it comes to their achievements. I used to want the limelight as a youngster, but now all I want is a peaceful life. That doesn’t happen when you go out there and put yourself in the public eye. Others have tried to tell me that the Uni tutor was jealous of me. I never believed it because in my eyes I’d never get to the level that they were due to my labels. The only thing they could possibly be jealous of me for was the fact that I had a child (even though he didn’t stay with me) and that I was many years younger than her. In my own way, I was jealous of her because I saw that position as somewhere I’d never get near and socially she had ‘it’. I don’t have it and I probably never will do. I do not feel that us women should be jealous of each other. If we weren’t so divided by jealousy then we could work wonders as a team in many situations. I try not to bitch but it’s so hard when others are negative towards me.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 