So much to do, so little enthusiasm to do it… the weather doesn’t help. Reoccurring thoughts causing me mental illness.

I do like the hot weather because it’s a lot better than what we normally get but I feel unproductive enough as it is without contending against this heat. I should have done a few things but I didn’t get the chance because I took two dosages of diazepam and knocked myself out for a whole day yesterday. It’s too hot to do the housework yet so I’m leaving that until later (and making myself do it). It looks a huge job but the thinking about doing it is actually worse than getting it done. I will feel better for cleaning surfaces and tidying up the clutter on them.

I am probably better off doing preparation for the tribunal (PIP) and practice for my Maths exam. It will be cooler later to do housework. I am very tired but feel better mentally after sending myself into that long sleep. It actually got to the stage that I was feeling physically sore from lack of sleep. I just couldn’t function like that any longer. I was just mentally worn out more than physically. It is so mentally tormenting when you know that there were lies about you put on file and people saying things which are assumptions about you that aren’t true. I can’t prove that those things aren’t true and others will not accept that I am not like they’re assumptions. The things that people have said to me and about me really does get to me a lot. They have no idea what I’ve actually been through in private and their judgements adds to the trauma from those things.

I get repeated thoughts in my head throughout the night (which stops me from sleeping) tormenting myself thinking why wasn’t I deserving enough to be helped rather than treated the way I was my entire life. I see others helping other people and I’m like what makes me so undeserving and not worthy of being helped but punished? Just because my issues manifest differently doesn’t mean I never deserved support. I only ever kicked off originally because others refused to understand and support my needs. Then that is turned against me as a reason to hate me and justify how they treated me. This is causing me issues because my self worth is none existent now. I feel like I am not a person, but those that do get helped by others are a person. I feel victimised because of the labels and things that have been put on my name. I didn’t have my disability issues on purpose and instead of being seen as a disability, they’re dismissed as bad behaviour. Then the lack of support for my disability is able to be justified by those that should have been supporting me.

If any one bothered to listen to me rather than making assumptions, they’d see that I’m not the lies on the notes that may come up on background checks. They’d see that all these years I was well and truly set up by the system for speaking out against abuse. I now see why people do not do the right thing because they’re punished for it. I tried to do the right thing as a teenager and they made sure that I was discredited by labelling me. As soon as you’re labelled a criminal you become a target for the police to pick on whenever they get the opportunity. The fact that no one will believe me and do the right thing for me (not leave things as they are because I never deserved it and others know that but they just won’t admit they were wrong) is causing me issues. It would drive a sane person without a disability that affects their brain mad if they were in this position. 

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