Random dreams, Being younger than my age and a warning about using Diazepam.

I took some Diazepam last night to finally get some proper sleep. I doubled the dosage because I was that desperate to sleep. I later regretted that because it literally knocked me out all day. It’s not something I’d recommend people doing even if they are absolutely are desperate for sleep. I woke up feeling much better but got nothing done whatsoever. I will try to get some things done before I go to bed (doubtful that I’ll be tired though) but there’s things I’ve been putting off which cannot be put off any longer as it’s looking a mess. I didn’t get chance to go for a walk after being asleep the whole day. I only woke up at 6pm. I couldn’t believe it when I looked at the clock but I felt a lot better so I wasn’t too annoyed at myself. I had a really random dream about a taxi (black cab London type one). All the way through me and some others had borrowed it and we meant to return it but never did.  There was a lot of other random stuff in it but I can’t remember the details. I remember a broken CD player. It was very complex though and when I’ve had something to help me sleep I cannot remember details of dreams much.

I seem to have the ability to just ‘walk into’ situations just as they’re kicking off. I went to the supermarket to get a few bits I’d ran out of earlier. Someone had put a load of things into the boot of a car which they’d stolen from the supermarket. The security staff was running after the car. I was literally just walking across to the supermarket over the car park when they tried to drive off with their boot open. It’s like karma has given me exact timing to walk into things and see every single detail at that right moment. That has been my whole life. I want peace but I literally am doomed to walk into things or be involved in things that go wrong constantly.

I was born the week of a hurricane (the largest one the UK have ever had). I was pushed over by a bully at school, sustained a head injury which led to Epileptic seizures. Then I was one of the children that was treated under the local doctor that treated thousands of children wrongly for Epilepsy when they actually didn’t have it. I spent 3 years of my childhood zombified on that medication and years later I have found out that my brain simply cannot function without chemical altering medication. The medication I was given stopped my brain developing between the ages of 8 and 11. I’ve remained quite mentally backward ever since then. I age slower in maturity because of that medication stunting my brain for approximately 4 years. As far as maturity level goes, I am not 30 but actually 26 in regards to my mental capacity. When I first got labelled a criminal as an 18 year old I was mentally actually 15 and when I committed most of the things I did as a youngster (approximately 17 and 16), I would have mentally been 12-13 years old. It does have it’s advantages because I physically look younger too. I still get told I look early to mid 20’s at the age of 30.

This is the first time of my life when my brain has started developing from a child to an adult. I’ve never really noticed until this point in my life because I’m starting to mature and see things differently. I now don’t see why I was ever so stubborn and difficult as a younger person. I have mellowed finally. I do get annoyed at things that get really on my nerves but I really can’t be bothered with revenge etc. It just carries things on which gets progressively worse and then you never end up getting what you want. I also don’t have the energy most of the time to argue with others nowadays. I never thought that I would mature. I have known adults who have acted like complete children the whole of their lives and they’re a lot older than me. I just got fed up of messing about and getting no where. I would love to succeed one day if others looked passed my record (I only got because of my disability and learning issues) and give me a chance. I do want to get a degree one day (still not decided which one I would like to study yet, but Psychology is the one I’m most drawn to right now). I’m not up to it at this moment in time and have to get other things like my Maths GCSE first. I would rather build up slowly to things than rush into them before I am actually ready. I like the subject Anthropology but not many universities offer that choice.