I’ve never felt this awful before. Breakdown mode is so close now.

I was suppose to be going out this morning but I got up and felt extremely crap. I didn’t go because I barely slept last night. I had the best intentions to go to the community group today. I even painted my nails. I haven’t done that in a while (mainly because they’ve been quite brittle for a few months). I’m dressed in all my summer clothes. I was really trying to make an effort. I just feel that lead weight pulling me down and it is horrible. I really need a break but am desperately trying to at least get through the next few weeks because then my exam will be done and I’ll be able to chill out for the rest of the summer. It will be a bit of a break not having to use my brain for Maths etc. I get more tired after a lot of mental effort than I ever have done physical effort.

I’ve felt myself breaking for a very long time. I tried to keep going throughout everything because I didn’t want to appear not strong to the outside world. I’m now not bothered if others see how weak I actually am because I tried my best all that time. I went up against people who didn’t understand my disability and I used a huge amount of energy doing that. In regards to ‘everything happens for a reason’. Maybe I was kidding myself that I could ever work with my issues I have and trauma that remains with me from my past. I couldn’t hold a job down in this state and my record means that no one will probably employ me. I used to be the working type but now I feel less fulfilled when I think about the prospect of working. I used to think that a job made someone’s identity (because this is how I was bought up watching the people around me). I’m burning out enough without getting employment. I am still interested in that ex offenders programme (work experience) but if I genuinely find working impossible due to mental health issues, then I’m not going to be able to hold down a paid job any time soon.

I’m not liking the prospect of the stress that is involved in taking my Personal Independent Payments refusal dispute to tribunal (in general courts set my anxiety and flashbacks off quite badly) but I cannot live on the money I’m getting in now. Even using the foodbank, I still have to eat into my savings every month to ensure that every bill is paid. I don’t have a lot of savings so that isn’t going to last long. I’ve never been this affected by things mentally. I have never had the desire to stay in my flat without even wanting to go for a walk. I’ve never gone with this little sleep because I just stay awake all night. I used to be able to function and go about my normal daily business. That is what confused others who assumed I was probably faking it to get away with behaving abnormally. I wasn’t faking it. I was just very good at putting on a ‘functioning mask’. I did that basically since losing my son to adoption. I don’t know how I managed to carry on, but now it’s caught up with me, I’m thinking it was out of sheer determination. It doesn’t matter how strong you are as a person, or in my case stubborn, by this point of things you cannot carry on functioning as ‘normal’. When you get to the point you’re about to hit breakdown mode (I literally feel it getting closer now that I do not want to even go out of my flat most of the time) you’re in enforced shutdown mode. It’s like your body is zapping it’s energy and forcing you to stay awake at night.

I will let myself get to the point of a breakdown before I even contemplate going to the system for help. They’ve caused half the reasons why I have reached the point of a breakdown. Their lack of understanding of my Autism side because they refuse to recognise that PDA displays differently and doesn’t mean that the person is being the way they are on purpose. I’ve been called evil, mad, retarded and a freak by professionals in the past. This is because I have only just learned to articulate the issues behind my behaviour problems. That has come with age and is something I couldn’t do as a younger person. People assumed that I had crushes and was just a pest, rather than me trying to fill the hole of not having a Mother that was emotionally loving and as a younger person I was obsessive about getting friends. I didn’t want a group of friends, but just one. And they would double up as a Mother hen figure for me. That was fine when I was accepted, but most of the time I was too much for others as I always wanted to be communicative and loving towards them because my own Mother made me feel rejected (due to emotional coldness). Then when I was rejected by others I’d get angry because I was releasing the anger that I’d grown up with having watched others have emotionally warm Mothers. I’m starting to not ‘need’ a ‘Mother figure’ any more because I’m aging and I no longer feel like a child. There comes a point when you’ve aged out of needing that kind of thing.

Right now, the best thing I can possibly do for myself is rest because I’m very tired due to lack of sleep. I may be able to bring myself back enough not to actually reach the point when I completely break down. I’ve done it before. It takes a very strong, stubborn mind to do it, but it’s possible. It helps that emotionally I’ve had to rely on myself for support due to how my Mother was growing up. If I don’t rest then I will tip over that scale. I don’t want to go into any kind of therapy. I am better in my own environment because it is a lot more relaxing than a hospital type environment. I’m not leaving my cats because they do help me a lot. I have Mimi asleep next to me at the moment. They help me relax when I’m stressed. I know that care homes don’t allow animals but I think it would be a great help to residents if they were allowed them. Even those in flats which don’t allow pets (a lot of council flats). They are a lot more useful than many humans when it comes to mental wellbeing. I would have had a breakdown a long time ago if it hadn’t been for my Cats. I don’t feel alone and I do not like being around people much. They love me even when I’m not in a great mood and that makes me feel okay.