Hormones :( / Maturity is changing my views (seeing my condition more clearly now).

Again, it is that time of the month when I’m bloated and cranky. I get sweaty even when it’s not this hot weather. I’m just so fed up. I normally go for a walk but I just want to do as little as possible. I still have to do a bit of my housework but I’m waiting until it cools down because I’d rather do it later. I am kicking myself into shape at the moment due to having left the housework for way too long recently. I’m generally an untidy, messy person who will only do something if it’s getting in the way.

I do feel better in a tidy space and my brain doesn’t feel cluttered. I have so many tabs open at once, it is a wonder how I get revision for exams done enough to pass them. It probably has helped that I’ve never had one of those lives that has ever had stability. It’s just been one disaster after another, even things I weren’t responsible for which have been caused by life events beyond my control. I’m used to people not understanding my Autism and learning disability side (PDA type). This means that I’ve learned not to expect things to run smoothly. Life just doesn’t run smoothly for those of us with these types of conditions. It doesn’t matter how much we want to fit in, the reality is that we must accept that we will always be on the fringes of society.

That is a major cause of mental illness manifesting in those of us on the spectrum. We get obsessive about fitting in. This leads to us ‘overdoing’ things and completely abandoning our own needs to reach that goal. I was like that to the extreme as a younger person. As you get older you learn to focus on yourself more and not feel pressured into becoming someone that you’re not. I’m never going to be a social being. I prefer my own company and I can no longer force myself to be someone that I am not. I do care about others but I find socialising hard due to extreme social anxiety. I do not show it but it’s a constant battle.

I sometimes feel that I let myself down by not showing it because people look at me suspiciously when I act a bit ‘different’ near meltdown/shutdown mode. I only start going into OCD emailing mode etc when I’m near a meltdown. I feel like I cannot explain things to others in a way that they understand because I don’t see things in the same way (due to my PDA and learning disabilities). I have really worked on explaining my condition and trying to my message across without sounding completely wrong. However, I’m always going to struggle due to my PDA type autism when I’m anxious. I literally can’t get the right words out in that mode, either verbally or written.