I did this art therapy picture last night. The details took me such a long time. I really can’t do anymore because I can’t afford to procrastinate any longer. I haven’t done anything else I should be doing. The fact that I have a Maths exam in a fortnight and know I haven’t revised enough means I really have to make an effort this coming week at the very least. I can see that I am forgetting the things we’ve learned in class. I know that I’ll feel better for not putting things off. I still haven’t done some of the cleaning which I meant to do.
I realised that I had grown up today after I called a mate off of attending somewhere to announce to everyone what the other person (involved in the uni situation) did to me at a workshop that they were doing for ‘disadvantaged’ people. The plan was that they were going to call the other person out in front of everyone there. I decided to call it off at the last minute last night. I realised that this wasn’t a good way to find peace in the situation. It would just antagonise the other person and cause more negative feelings towards me (which I don’t want). A year ago I would not have called it off. However, now I’m a lot different from the person I used to be. I wish that I’d figured out a long time ago that going up against things head on wasn’t going to end well. I wish that I’d learned to walk away and not push because I’m sure that this would have been the better strategy with making the other person feel comfortable with me.
I know that as I was in a huge mess emotionally at that time, it wasn’t something I could help. I still hate myself for being that way though. I thought about how they’d feel being called out in front of everyone today. That is something I never used to do because I was immature and only thought of myself. I was bought up that way because I was the youngest and the way my Mum is towards me. I don’t want to be mean here but since I learned about narcissist I have come to realise that she is one. She has to control every single little thing and I’m never going to be good enough. The only reason I was so keen to be able to work and mask my disability issues was because I just wanted to be ‘good enough’.
The key thing to realise about having a narcissist type relative is to understand that you’ll NEVER meet the standards that they set for you. Those standards aren’t even about you as an individual. They’re projecting their wants and needs on you. As a child I was signed up to services because I was unable to reach her impossible expectations. I grew up with an inbuilt sense of not being ‘good enough’. I will never have a Mother who is satisfied with me even if I did work or was rich/famous etc. I had to accept that to overcome some of my issues which she caused from an early age. She didn’t even want another child but only went through with the idea because my Dad had no children of his own and wanted one. I always felt that but she’s only just admitted it over the last year or so. Is it any wonder I’ve tried to search for another Mother type figure for the whole of my life when she didn’t really want me and I felt that? The child in me was always searching for someone who actually wanted me. Then my knock backs from those that didn’t want me has led to personal issues manifesting for me.