I tried my best but depression beat me today. Been working on artwork as therapy (picture attached).

I didn’t end up going to the community centre today because all I felt like doing was sleeping. It doesn’t help when you’ve got two cats who want to snuggle up with you while you’re sleeping because it’s even harder to get out of bed. I’ve not even been for a proper walk in two days. That is very unusual for me. I can’t walk out there for long anyway because my hay fever is quite bad right now. I don’t always have to take things for it but over the last two days my nose and eyes won’t stop filling up. I don’t get it all the time so I think it’s only certain pollens I’m allergic to. For instance last time they mentioned tree pollen on the weather forecast, my hay fever was very severe.

I haven’t had the rash come back on my hands but I only really get that when hay fever season starts. I heard the grass pollen is quite high right now and I know I’m allergic to that as I only have to sit on grass and start itching. I do get the rashes on my hands when I’m sitting on grass for a while. I can’t even avoid that happening if I take something for hay fever. I just have to put up with those rashes certain times of the year.

I went out to get what I needed earlier, but most of the day I spent in bed. I did this picture when I woke up. I didn’t draw it, it’s from that art therapy magazine that was out a few years ago before everyone started selling colouring books for adults. I have to be up in the morning so I’m going to keep this entry brief tonight.

I realised today how I’m affected by everything that has gone on. I just can’t go out sometimes now and it’s horrible. I’m wanting to stay in more and more. I know it isn’t practical but that is the way I am now. I had a friend say they would go karaoke with me earlier. I used to enjoy that kind of thing but now I just prefer sleep over anything else. I have even gone off walking and I do this on my own. It was a huge challenge getting myself to the community centre for one of the groups this week. I’m not even sure if I actually like other people anymore after what I’ve experienced. I can’t force myself to be around people if I don’t actually like them anymore because I will just not enjoy my time with them. I’m honestly not sure that I’m ever going to not be mentally affected by the past. I’ve never felt so fearful of things in my entire life. I cannot trust another human being right now. I believe that staying away from potential treatment via mental health teams is less damaging for me. The ‘help’ they offered me was counterproductive and made my issues worse. I wish there was a system that we could trust because the current one certainly isn’t trustworthy. I don’t have the money to go private or move away somewhere new, far away from childhood memories.

I did the lottery yesterday as I got a free ticket due to having two numbers from a previous draw. I will check it at some point but I never rush to do it. I just don’t think I will ever win the lottery. I don’t think that I’d believe it if I ever won a substantial amount of money. I’d question whether I was dreaming or something. I’m just not that lucky. I have always been majorly unlucky ever since the day I was born. However, I’ve never even got two numbers on a ticket and got a free lucky dip, so my luck maybe changing. I don’t like gambling. I only play when it’s a rollover amount. I think a lot of people only do it when there is a rollover because the amount of potential cash to be won draws in those that aren’t regular lottery players. And, if I did happen to win by some miracle, I certainly wouldn’t be putting it on the blog because I’d like to keep that kind of thing private. I’m not a fan of fake friends or people who may try to con me out of money. It’s much safer to keep it to myself. But, really I do not think it will ever happen.