I know what I need, but it’s not what I want.

I’m quite tired so this may not read right. I haven’t slept well in a while. I need a break but I don’t want a break. I know that sounds contradictory but it’s how I feel. I’m not sure that I can ever attempt to hold down a job if I do manage to obtain one in the future. I’m far too traumatised to even do every day things at the moment. The only place I feel truly relaxed is in my bed sleeping. I can’t sleep much thought because of nightmares. I’m wanting to go out less and less. I am starting to really suffer. I’m feeling numb but down at the same time. I really have no idea how that is possible. I’ve felt numb with no emotions before but never this split. I wish that I didn’t feel depressed. I also wish that I didn’t mask it because I have got used to being so chirpy around others that I never truly show how I feel. Being me is just so difficult in front of others. I’m shy but also mask depression and various ptsd things. 

I’m going to really push the dwp to put me on long term unemployment due to disability. Even if I have to take off my mask and literally have a melt down or cry in front of them when I speak about what has happened to me. Then I’m going to have to do that. I don’t feel ever capable of working with my autism and how my past is affecting me. I always wanted to work. Most of that was because I saw it as a way to not be looked down on. I’m going to cause myself more harm which isn’t reparable if I persist in following goals that are just too much for me. I always wanted to do more than my abilities but it only stresses me out on top of past trauma. If I’d never have wanted to work then a lot of things wouldn’t have happened to me. I would never have been in those situations if I hadn’t been chasing goals. I could gladly become a recluse right now for the foreseeable future.