I am no longer being helped by the anti depressants that I’m on. They did at first but the route cause of my depression is still bugging me and no medication is going to change that. I felt so low this morning. I wasn’t able to get out of bed until mid afternoon. I’m up now but still have absolutely no get up and go. It has totally got up and left me completely.
I’m going down the community centre tomorrow hopefully but only because I need to learn how to cook and it’s cooking tomorrow. I need to learn how to follow recipes but right now I find it difficult (that maybe due to learning disabilities). I’ve never actually been able to understand instructions enough to completely follow them. I’m going to try my best. I can’t promise anything but I’m hoping that I can force my brain to understand it. I’ve made my brain do other things that it couldn’t previously do. It’s just a matter of perseverance and not giving up. I could have thrown the towel in when it came to figuring out how to knit the other day, but I didn’t. I thought I was terrible at Maths but I am not as awful as I thought at it. I have never had very much patience when it comes to things I find hard. Walking away from challenges is so easy. Facing them requires effort that I just do not have the energy to give a lot. I get tired very easily after socialising with other people. I already have very little energy anyway. I nap quite a lot after being around others. I can’t help it. I just get overwhelming sleepiness when I get home.
The cause of my depression needs sorting out but that is down to others to make decisions. I cannot force the issue because when I did this everyone started getting me into trouble. If things are left the way they are then I’m never going to overcome this depression and other issues that are bugging me at the moment. I don’t want to wish harm on anyone else but they’re causing harm to me by leaving things as they are right now. I am also getting extremely worried about new proposals and how they’re going to affect people like me (see last entry). It is bad enough out there already for those of us that don’t fit in socially, let alone if things are tightened up. I don’t want to become a social outcast, especially since I am trying to deal with my issues (but I won’t get rid of my autism, that requires understanding and adjustments by other people, as they would do for a wheelchair user).
I want to be given a chance one day and the way society is at the moment doesn’t give me any hope that I will get that chance. I don’t want to pressure anyone else but I’m left with the lasting affects regarding depression and ptsd symptoms while things aren’t resolved. I cannot settle or function properly because I feel guilty about things I did during meltdowns and no one will forgive me so that I can move on emotionally from that guilt. If I’d have known certain information a few years back then none of that would have happened. But no one bothered to tell me. There were many things kept from me by my support and if I hadn’t found them out via third parties then I still would be none the wiser now. How are those of us with special needs suppose to understand things to act appropriately if we aren’t told important things by our support? All that and the after affects it’s had on the parties involved could have been avoided if they’d done that. It is destroying me because I cannot sleep. I’m not even hungry anymore. There are days I do not even want to get up. I can’t go on like this but others are making me by not doing the right thing. The truth is known now and others know that what happened wasn’t all my fault. I’ve gone down so far because of everything and keeping a brave face on is getting harder.