I’m always awake because of the same things that bug me. It’s annoying me now so I am just going to come out with it. I’ve had enough of others seeing me as the awful one. I was let down. I wish I’d never reacted to certain things but at the time I was in a bad place and meltdowns were easy to fall into. I’m not the same person anymore. I’m trying to hold my temper about things that have occurred and how it angers me to be seen as the one to blame. If I don’t manage to do that then I can’t prove I’ve changed. I must admit that it is very hard when you constantly feel like everyone hates you forever for the things I did due to meltdowns during hard times for me. On the other hand the guilt eats away at me which makes me upset as well as angry. That keeps me awake every single night and it’s irritating. I shouldn’t let others opinions do that to me, but I see myself as others see me. They’ve become facts in my head despite telling myself that we didn’t know each other so I shouldn’t take things to heart. That is the problem with being over sensitive. You do take things to heart or personally quite easily.
When another person is someone that I look up to and admired for their qualities, then their negative opinion of me is quite soul destroying. Their views matter to me because I admire them. If I thought that they were a waste of space etc then I wouldn’t care about their viewpoints of me. I confused my admiration for them as love because I was unaware of the differences when I was younger. I was in a mess for a long time because of my past and son’s adoption. I wasn’t mature enough to overcome any of those things.
I can’t shake these feelings and they constantly keep me awake. I can numb myself during the day but at night I will start self loathing because of the above and then I just cannot settle. Even though I am aware that I was let down and not supported when I should have been to prevent what happened regarding university; I blame myself all the time for everyone’s else’s part in it. I see it as my fault for not being ‘normal’ or struggling at that time. I’m still not totally back to normal but I’m feeling better than I used to be (apart from not sleeping which is a huge issue right now). It makes you feel absolutely terrible and nap for hours during the day when the tiredness gets overwhelming (which means you cannot sleep at night again). I just cannot stay awake any longer but I can’t change what I need changing. I know that asking for forgiveness is probably too much but at least I’d be able to rest then if I definitely know I’m not hated as a person.