I’m torn between having a proper break or not.

I don’t want a break but I need to have one. I’m definitely most likely not going to be on the blog much this week. I have things on because others are trying to get me out again. I have to be the other side of town for an early start tomorrow. I’m not discussing what I’m up to because I am less anxious if I keep information about my personal life to a minimum. It’s a huge step even going out to the things I am trying this week. I’m extremely nervous due to not having socialised for 2 years. The things that have happened recently and in my past have affected me quite badly. I’m uncomfortable about going out at the moment but I won’t ever go out if I don’t try to do it now.

I need a break at times because I am not feeling too great. Hay fever and a cold together makes you feel absolutely awful. I can feel everything heavy around my eyes and my head is sore. I feel like sleeping a lot but it doesn’t help because my head ends up blocked up and I end up with a really sore head when I wake up. I can’t wear my nose stud because it just makes things ten times worse.

I am aware that it is Father’s Day. Unfortunately, mine passed away in 2010. I don’t over think it because otherwise it will always upset me. Sometimes I even think that my Dad is the lucky one to be free from all our families sh*t now. It doesn’t get any easier spending time with my Mother and other family members that are just as hard to deal with nowadays. I’m just nothing like the side (Mum’s) that I spend time with and I don’t really see my Dad’s side since he hasn’t been around. Some of that is due to circumstances (eg. my cousin having children and it being hard for me due to my son being adopted). I don’t think my Dad is around me anymore. It seemed like that when he had not long passed away. However, he no longer appears in my dreams. He hasn’t for a long time. I still never feel alone when I’m at home on my own though. Even when the cats have gone outside I don’t feel alone. I heard noises the other night so I’ve probably got something hanging around me. I never truly feel alone anymore. 

I spend half of my life numbing myself to things I find unpleasant now because it’s easier. The only time I cannot do this is during the night which is quite annoying. I haven’t slept properly in a long time because I can’t switch off. I did my Maths lesson on an hours sleep the other day. I’m sure that I messed up the practice exam paper. I felt too on edge to concentrate properly. I’m expecting to be handed my paper back on Friday having failed it. It certainly won’t be a surprise. I just want to switch off right now but I can’t until after I’ve done the exam for level 2 Maths. I’ve tried to revise a little today but my head is not where it should be to actually take anything in. I’m hoping that I can wake my brain up throughout the week before the next lesson. If I don’t completely fail on the next practice paper then I can say that last week was just one of those weeks for me. I have to somehow ensure that I don’t have one of those weeks on the actual exam day.

I will pop on at some point later on in the week or next weekend. I’m probably going to need a break after trying to combat my social anxiety this week. I’m always quite jumpy around people and always feeling on edge. That does make me quite tired and it’s not going to be something that goes away for a long time. It would be helpful to me if me and others can undo things that have happened in the past. It would help how I’m affected currently quite a lot. I just cannot relax and that is extremely horrible. I know that I didn’t go the right way about getting a friend but that is all I wanted. I didn’t make my mistakes on purpose. It was circumstances and I didn’t know any better.