I’m never going to feel better. And my clumsiness costs me money.

I have tried so hard to feel better about certain aspects of life. I manage to put a brave face on when it comes to every day interactions with others now. However, everything I’ve been through still has a massive affect on me. I know that others assume that I haven’t tried hard enough. I assure you that I have and this is the reason why I feel so worn out. It’s exhausting trying to get over something that you know in your heart you’ll actually never fully get over. I just want peace but my head is always noisy and it just never quits bugging me. I know that I have something to offer but my confidence won’t go high enough to fully shine in all my abilities. I want to send an audition tape into the x factor auditions but I know I won’t be able to sing as my constant anxiety from my experiences literally takes away any kind of singing capacity which I actually possess. I used to sing quite a lot (mostly karaoke) when I was younger. I haven’t sung in two years because of circumstances. I didn’t feel surrounded by supportive people so I just gave up on everything I used to enjoy. I suppose that I let things hurt me too deeply. I just want to live again.

I am also really annoyingly clumsy. I’m that clumsy that I swear I’m cursed. I just caught my foot on my tea mug which had a bit left in the bottom. I don’t know how the tea mug stayed up right yet got tea all over my mobile phone charger connection and the lamp switch which dangled down on that wire. I now have no working lamp. I rely on that to get to sleep because I cannot sleep in the dark due to actually being afraid (for legitimate reasons, I’m not a whimp). I really hope my phone charger works when it’s dried out because luckily that was plugged into the phone so it protected it a bit. That was my favourite lamp. It would be more expensive to repair the switch than replace the whole lamp. It’s my lamp with all the multi coloured mosaic glass parts in the shape of an egg. I have my gothic style lamp (tassel black lampshade with a crystal base – which I originally pieced together because I had to replace the original light fitting as it was a tall table lamp which was knocked over by the cats and snapped). The bulb is too expensive to use at night though. It is also far too bright because I bought the strength bulb light enough to go in the living room (it doesn’t get used that often because I usually use the floor lamp which doesn’t cost so much to run). I could get a candle very low watt energy efficient bulb until my finances are in the position to replace the lamp in my bedroom. It isn’t really needed in the living room because it’s hardly used unless I’m doing something like jewellery making which needs extra light.

I already have to replace my phone screen at some point because that literally fell out of my pocket right on to the ground and smashed on one of the edges. There is absolutely no way that I am not cursed because too many ‘accidents’ happen to me. I feel like I’m constantly fighting bad luck. And I have tried to get out of my head the feeling of being cursed, but it still happens even when I’m not thinking in that frame of mind.