Today has been trying… (reflected childhood memories)

I went down the citizens advice bureau at the community centre to find out how to explain my disability to the PIP tribunal. I took my Mother with me because she wanted to go to the appointment as well. That went okay but when I got home she effectively ‘Kim and Aggied’ my flat. I got told how awfully I was keeping my flat clean and tidy. She has OCD cleaning traits (which can be useful when she visits mine after I’ve been depressed a bit and literally not cleaned and tidied properly for months). She cleaned and tidied the kitchen while sending me into the bathroom to clean/tidy. I’m a disappointment because she doesn’t get how hard it is to clean and tidy properly when you’re so depressed that you could literally cry. Actually, sometimes I am far too tired to even cry but all I want to do is sleep for hours on end. She has her uses even though as a Mother she is emotionally cold. The house was always spotless when we were growing up but not a lot else. It was horrible because you’d put something down and be told to tidy up even before you’d finished with it. I’ve ended up searching for something I never got in anyone else that I met.

I’m not even warm myself because I’m not used to being that way. I’m quite like my Mum in regards to how emotionally disconnected I can become. I’d love a long term serious relationship, but at the same time I just don’t know how to do it. I didn’t observe those skills growing up because my immediate circle wasn’t affectionate and it seemed to me that they tolerated each other but didn’t really feel a connection. The things that happened to us as a family certainly didn’t help in regards to bringing people together. I had two half sisters who hoped that my parents relationship didn’t work out. They thought that they had their way until I came along after two miscarriages. I was the last hope to keep the relationship together because my Mother has always been absolute hell to live with. I remember my Dad telling me that Mother drove him mad after I was living down south. He had no choice but to stay with her in the later years because he couldn’t look after himself due to his disability worsening. Even a few months before he passed away my Mother would not go to see Blackpool illuminations (a frequent trip we had as a family during my childhood) with him. She used the excuse, maybe next year. But, he didn’t get to the next year. She used to make excuses not to go out with me and my Dad so many times. Cleaning the house was always more important.

I have my foodbank voucher which I have to take up to where I can get some food from later. I’m not up to doing it but I know I have to go get something because it only is valid for 3 days after issue and the community centre worker went to the trouble of filling it out for me. I feel uncomfortable using these services because I don’t feel like I deserve it. I also feel that there are literally people with absolutely no income out there who should use these services before me. I’m very selective in what I eat too and I don’t want to be annoying. 

Something comical happened earlier though. I honestly didn’t expect others to join me in the shenanigans regarding winding up the community standards department of fb.  3 of my male friends on my fb list heard about what had happened and proceeded to post nude paintings of artwork and other similar types of photos. I didn’t mean to be a bad influence but I have warned them they might get barred from posting for 24 hours.