I literally have to sleep so much just to keep my energy levels up when I need them. I’ve had to stay in bed the majority of the day for two days this week because I need to get up tomorrow and Friday. I don’t have the energy to get up every single day for the majority of the days. I’ve not done things which I should have done. I only bleached my hair to lift the colour from ginger because it was getting older and fading into a gingery hue. That was only due to the fact that the colour was getting so straw like and uneven. I did some of the roots but not much because I was just blending it to look a little bit decent until I can put my toner over it. The toner is bright enough to hopefully fade out the ginger that is still in places completely out.
I don’t want to do all the stages together because my hair is getting longer now. If I lost length at this point I would be a bit miffed. I know that this may sound absolutely ridiculous to many people… but, hair takes a long time to grow. If you have thick hair it grows outwards until it grows to your bra strap level. The weight then drags it down so it’s not so wild. Every bit of processing done to hair to lighten it or style it stresses it out. That is why I give it a few weeks break in between bleaching and then toning when it’s lighter. I also always put coconut oil on it daily just to keep the hair strands strong. There is no way of never losing any hair especially when bleaching it, but that is why you need regular cuts (when you can afford it) because the breakages don’t split right up if they get cut off before that point. I want to grow it to my bum but I don’t think it will ever grow that well. I could probably get it to my lower back at the most. I have a very long way to go even to get it there.
I am losing the will to live. Seriously, I just want to hide away because I am just so down and hate being around others. I don’t want people taking offence to that but I can’t help how I’ve felt the whole of this week. I hate dreaming of people I miss and then waking up to find that in reality I’ll never see them again. I didn’t miss them any more until I had that dream. I was finally getting on with things and moving on but then a dream reminds me of how I do not like reality. The feelings I pushed inside to be able to function are now on the surface again and I’ve been extremely depressed ever since I woke up from that dream. I really do want to be friends, but I know that they don’t ever want to see me again. It hurts me because I take it personally when others don’t like me. It would really help to see them again and speak with them to put all the negative memories behind us. However, I know that I am expecting too much to need that. I know that it would perk me up with some extra energy right now because I’d feel better.
Others don’t want me to feel better though, they want me to suffer because I act differently. I try so hard but I’m never good enough and when I kick back at how I’m treated or not supported, then I become the awful one. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been bullied, not supported properly (with the understanding required) or pushed from all directions. I’m the one that gets it firmly laid on me.