I didn’t get up until horrendously late. I can’t post updates on Facebook (on either my page or personal profile) at the moment because they’ve stopped me posting for 24 hours. I kind of wound them up going against their community standards. I posted a photo of my naked bum to prove a point. I deleted it after it gave me a warning yesterday and they still went ahead and banned me. I push boundaries, that is what I do. Some of us have to put the fun crazy sh*t back into life. I’ve taken my weirdness down a notch but I still am going to use it occasionally. I do not like the political correctness stuff.
I’m respectful to all different types of people regardless of their background and I can still have a laugh with them. I get far too bored walking between the lines on a constant basis. I hate to say this because it seems like I’m flouting the UK system but that isn’t my intention. I did law as a GCSE subject. A little knowledge means I can still push boundaries and not get into serious trouble. It is about judging how far to step over those lines. There are ways to do things and still be heard without totally jumping over the lines. It is important to learn to essentially ‘dip your feet’ into over stepping societies boundaries, rather than jumping in head first which results in a huge bath of hot water… so to speak. You must always try to be yourself in this society but sometimes you have to refine the more untrained parts of your personality to not be punished for it.
I was the worse one for walking straight into things and ending up in hot water. I hated giving up my need for being in control of everything. I realised that I had to share the control with others sometimes for things to be okay. I didn’t mean to be bossy or demanding but that is how I came across because of my need for control. It’s took age to chill me out a bit in that department. I had a very controlling Mother. She still is that way but I don’t try to regain control of every aspect of my life now. I am by no means submissive now though. I will always question things people tell me because of what I’ve been through.
Anyway, I managed to get some housework done today despite my lateness in getting up. I was just stuck to the bed not wanting to move for many hours rather than asleep. I just didn’t want to be awake because I’m hating reality at this moment in time. It’s even worse when you have a dream (a few days ago now) when you see a person that you miss who you know you’ll never see again in life. It’s so depressing when you wake up and realise that nothing worked itself out and the dream was just wishful thinking basically. I wasn’t as sad about it as I would have been previously. A year ago I would have literally been in tears after waking up and realising things hadn’t worked themselves out. I don’t feel emotions anymore. I know that sounds really negative. It really isn’t because I know for a fact that no one can ever hurt me again if I train myself not feel emotions. This life is a place where you’re much better off numbing yourself otherwise you’re tortured by the horrendous things that go on in the world. I used to over feel things but that was doing me no good.