Depression trying to destroy me.

I have been trying to write the appeal statement to appeal PIP today. I just can’t do it. I have no ability to string the words together. The wording sounds absolutely wrong. Maybe, I’m just not in the right frame of mind to put it together today. I am very down right now because I am letting things get to me. I’m believing all the awful things that people have said about me. I really can’t function when I hate myself for things other people have said to me. I’m happy about the fact that I’ve lost another pound of weight. I’m surprised that I haven’t lost more because I can’t afford to eat the way I did before my benefits got cut. It’s probably a case of my body holding onto fat because it knows it’s being restricted. I’ve lost a pound a week for the last 4 weeks. 

I am finding that my hair is falling out quite a lot. I haven’t even bleached it or toned it for a while. I’m not going to top up the roots until at least August now. I’ve got the dye before I lost the other part of my benefits, but I have a lot to do until August. It is a bit dry due to not eating properly so I don’t think it’s wise to bleach and tone it yet. I really need sleeping medication at the moment because I need to reset my sleep pattern. I’m relaxed now. I’ve made myself a hot chocolate to chill me out. However, I’ve done this every night for a few weeks and I just lay awake every night. I also have nightmares which disturbs my sleep. I could buy them off of the internet but I haven’t got the cash and plus I do not know what extra crap has been put in them.

The place I have purchased sleeping medication off in the past has changed it’s website address because the government clamped down on them. I had a letter off of them with the new address. I can’t afford to be tempted but this insomnia is really affecting my life right now. I get nothing done because I’m always tired. I’d probably feel less depressed if I weren’t so tired because I could actually sleep at night.

I am actually feeling like I’d be better off dead as I’m so fed up of struggling. I find it hell fighting tiredness because it’s like climbing up a never ending hill. Insomnia makes every day seem one long day. There is absolutely no breaks whatsoever. I do not feel like I ever switch off. I need to sleep properly to feel like I’ve had a break. The stress of worrying about keeping a roof over my head isn’t helping. I’m so afraid of ending up homeless because I cannot afford the rent long term due to all the cuts. I feel like death would be the easy option just to get a rest. I need a break which I am not getting and it’s stressing me out so much.