I started my day with only having had one and a half hours sleep last night. I was just feeling extremely bugged by things which kept me awake. I will be going for a nap after this because I’m feeling awful. The flat needs one hell of a tidy up but right now I can’t move due to being that tired. I’m updating this on my phone because I can lay down doing it. I will fall down due to lack of sleep.
I have been on the phone to the dwp about changing my esa group. They told me that I have to write a letter to them stating why I wish to apply to go in the support group and send any medical evidence with it. Then they will get a medical specialist to see whether they agree or not. I probably won’t get anywhere if they are anything like the PIP assessors.
I’m well and truly stuck. I can’t just go out to get a job because my record means that employers will just take one look at me and say no to even giving me a chance to prove myself. I’m still waiting to get onto the work programme which is just work experience at first. I need something paid after it though because I feel that despite the ptsd affects that I suffer after negative experiences they’ll still force me to work. It is either that or face being homeless vs barely able to eat to afford living costs. This is the kind of country we are living in now. There is no kindness or compassion left. It is the case of the strongest survive but the weak won’t. That’s already happened several times in the wake of these benefit changes. Worrying doesn’t help my anxiety which is constant with the PDA type of autism anyway. I don’t want to end up having meltdowns again because I get too stressed. I only just managed to completely stop them. I am far from back on my feet though. I still feel quite emotionally broken despite putting on a brave face. I may smile but it is only because life is about hiding how you truly feel otherwise you receive negative judgment. You have to look positive to the outside even if when you go home you’re in tears. The private me is a lot different from the public me around people.