One of those days… having to be resourceful and self sufficient because of how things are right now.

This has been one of those very trying days. I’m surprised that I haven’t gone into a meltdown because I barely slept last night. I’ve also spoken to places about things today and they haven’t been that helpful. I’m still waiting on the phone in a queue to make an appointment at the job centre to change my ESA group from work related to the support group (I’ve made this decision because my PTSD issues are quite severe at this time, I can still go out but may not be able to every day so I can’t possibly hold down a job long term). There isn’t much difference between the groups but you do get slightly extra which will be helpful until I manage to properly get back on my feet. I refuse to give up holding and as it’s an 0800 number now I’m determined to hold on as long as needed. There is an hour until they close which I am fully prepared to stick out because it’s costing me nothing on my landline. The only issue is that my landline phone battery may cut out because it needs replacing. I remember ringing them up a few years ago and they literally cut the phone off as soon as they picked up.

Also, I was talking to Vauxhall dealerships about getting a non electric spare key for my car (because my Mother lost the key when she owned it). That will cost £118 because it still has to be programmed. I remember the days when my Dad used to get spare keys and be able to programme them in himself. They’ve changed it into a money making venture. The older cars should not be an expensive issue because the keys were different back then. I have a 2004 car, therefore spending that much on a spare key which isn’t even electronic is kind of a waste in my eyes. The car itself is probably only going to last another few years. It hardly is a justification to pay that kind of price. I know I’m female but I am not totally stupid when it comes to cars.

I just feel like everywhere I turn there is someone trying to screw me either out of money or socially because I am different. That is why I do not go out socially anymore. Even the other night I had a family member steal money off of me. I’ve had that happen before and they’ve point blankly denied it. I am very precise. I know exactly what I have in my purse. I haven’t brought it up with the family member because I don’t want an argument or a denial which ends in rubbing my learning disabilities in my face and telling me I mislaid it. It was only a small amount of money anyway. I don’t want conflict over a £5 note. It isn’t worth it and when my Mother passes away it’s going to be easier to deal with them if I keep my mouth shut despite knowing that the cash was there. They will get at me when that happens and I’m not looking forward to that. I’ve already got a relative on Dad’s side (I’m the youngest half sibling) lined up to get involved in case the others pull any stunts then.

I’m not able to stick up for myself. People walk all over me because of my quiet nature and the fact that I just can’t say no at the right time. I’ve let people willingly abuse me over the years. They weren’t real friends, just users and those that abuse others to get what they want and then don’t want you anymore. I only wish that I had a stronger nature than I do. I hate people walking all over me. It gets on my nerves and then the fact that I can’t tell them to go do one also gets on my nerves. I just wish that I could be assertive without flipping over into looking aggressive by accident. I just can’t get the balance right. I have to be really angry before I say anything and by that time it’s going to come out aggressive or sometimes as a complete meltdown. I’m getting aggravated by having been on hold for nearly 2 hours now trying to make an appointment via job centre plus. However, I won’t say nothing about the stupid length of time waiting if or when they finally pick up the phone (15 minutes until they close).

I’m getting better at saying when I’m not happy because I realise that in life you have to do this or end up in a situation that was never necessary if you’d just been assertive. I still feel like a frightened innocent mouse compared to other people though. I get intimidated so easily by others. I also get manipulated easily because I can’t think quick enough to pick it up before I fall for the story I’m being strung.

I’m good at finding a way around issues nowadays. I’m having a proper meal every three days. I’m therefore able to eat but not have too much outgoings on food costs. I buy the cats food in quite large amounts at once so they have one box/bag of food at a decent price for about a fortnight to three weeks. I feed Dave the cheaper food because he will eat anything (he isn’t fussy like Mimi). I’m not using the heating much because obviously the weather is warmer. I am only washing my clothes about twice a week. I use colour catchers so that I can put as much in the washing machine as possible without the issue of colour runs. I do not iron unless I absolutely have to (this is more the fact that I don’t like it as well as saving money). I pay a standard rate for my water per month so I can have a Bath every night and not have to pay extra. The water is nearly £30 a month here though. I find the gas is the most expensive utility here. I use pennies on the electric so when it’s warmer I barely use any credit on my meter. I don’t go out hardly which in itself saves money… this is more down to anxiety though. 

I don’t think Dave (cat) is going to be with me much any longer though. He’s an elderly cat and over the last few weeks he’s starting to show his age. He is actually walking like an elderly cat. He’s getting quite slow now. He is still eating which is a positive sign that he’s not near the end of his life quite yet. He just doesn’t eat as much as previously. He is wanting more alone time now. I am attached to him because he follows me into my flat regularly. He lays next to me and goes to sleep on the sofa in the evenings (much to Mister’s dislike). I know this sounds really weird but I think he knows he’s getting on. He looks a bit sad sometimes and he walks quite stiff now. I hope he lasts a while but I’ll be surprised if he is alive this time next year. I will be sad when it happens because we do have a connection. I know that Mister will be a lot more settled after he’s gone because he tries to fight him regularly. It is because they’re both tom cats and Mister was here first. They compete quite a lot. I love all three of the cats but they can be like kids and play up badly for attention.