I’m so strong minded now, I surprise myself : S

I’ve always thought of myself as a weakling because of how I’ve been treated in my life. This isn’t the way I am any longer and it’s like it has happened over night without me being aware. I looked back at my life so far and realised that I survived all those times that I just wanted to end it all. I may not have always been successful (eg. trying to stop my son’s adoption), but trying is the main thing in life. That makes me feel that I’m suppose to be here for a reason. I know what the system is like and I can be one of those pushing for changes. I heard via the councils social networks that they’re revamping the mental health ‘support’ around here. I followed the account that they told me was part of it, however, I remain rather sceptical. I’m no longer an idealist, life has made me a realist. We are basically a very underfunded area and we have always been that way. I grew up in this county so I know that is a major issue here. We all want (and need) the support that we need for our disabilities but it has been rather selective over the years because there wasn’t enough funding to go into every department. 

I’ve lost my own benefits but I’m aware that others are in a worse position. I have to make sure that I can afford my rent and bills to not get into serious financial issues, but I’ve noticed myself change. I talk to people more now and get involved in discussions. I would never do this before. I still struggle with my confidence but that is going to be only a thing that time can repair. It helps when people say to me that I’m someone they look up to because I had my own problems but decided that I was going to help others after dealing with my own issues. I even had people say to me, I may have been one hell of a sh*t at times in the past, but I’m working so hard to prove myself (even if sometimes I end up in an emotionally wrecked heap on the floor). It is extremely hard not to listen to those comments that haven’t been so complimentary. However, I now accept that bullying is a fact of life when you’re different.

There are times when you’re struggling quite severely that you’ll get judged negatively. If you don’t rise above those things that are said to you then you’re letting situations linger for longer. This is something I wish that I’d figured out a few years ago. If I had figured this out back then I would have been spared from a lot of emotional pain. We sometimes have to learn to walk away from potential conflict rather than spark it up by saying or doing stupid things. It’s not worth it in the long run even though at the time you may feel hurt over another’s actions.

I’m affording my bills and rent by not eating a lot. I literally think I’ve accustomed my body to not eating too much though. I am no longer getting hungry because my stomach capacity has shrunk that much. That is why I am sure I’m more strong minded that I thought. I’ve actually acclimatised myself to my financial situation in just a month. I consciously had no idea that I was doing it. I knew that I had to come up with a solution though. I know that no one is going to help me because I’m seen as undeserving because of my past. I have to be self sufficient because I can’t rely on anyone. Others don’t understand me and they probably never will do. I’ve always felt awful for the past and it continues to affect me. I am aware that others will always make sure that the situation as it is currently will never end. I therefore have to numb myself for the rest of my life so that it doesn’t bug me and I don’t react.

I’d love for people to just see me for who I am. The assumptions made about me have all been wrong. I haven’t always made the right choices but it doesn’t make me an awful person. I’m still young compared to a lot of other people. I’ve been through enough to last me several life times. I’m only human. It would affect anyone negatively and push them into serious mental health issues. I’m through the worse of it now. I’ve learned to not get stressed out or offended by others actions now. I’m not the same person as I was when younger. I can’t change the past but I’d appreciate a chance in the future. I made my mistakes because I was naïve and honestly having never had a serious relationship and nothing but superficial friendships doesn’t really make it easy to be what is perceived normal in any kind of relationship. I didn’t know how to not act enthusiastic or not be annoying because of lack of relationship practice.