I’m so down right now.

I have a raging migraine again. I’m very down about everything in life right now. I have enough personal issues, let alone the benefit system leaving me with very little money to live on. I’m just so fed up of being let down. People judge me but they have no idea about what has actually gone on in my life. The story about how I got labelled a criminal and in that situation is not something I can legally go into. But, if you all knew the truth, then you’d see how the way you’ve treated me isn’t fair. I can assure everyone that I did everything for the right reasons. I simply can’t go into it because there are also things I do not wish to put on here that are quite personal. I’m now never going to have a career or be allowed anything in life because I challenged the powerful. I wish that I hadn’t got myself involved in things and trying to stop things that were going on. It makes you not want to do the right thing because of the implications on your name forever.

I only got done for crimes because I told those in authorities about sexual abuse going on and did some things due to how I was affected by being aware of what was happening. If I’d had been listened to then I could have stopped what was going on and so many youngsters would have been spared from abuse. I didn’t even care about my own experiences. I just wanted to protect the others I knew was involved. Why should I have my life tainted forever because the system wanted to keep things covered up? That isn’t fair. I never had any malicious intentions. I was trying to help others as a teen and was sticking up for myself on the last occasion.

I can’t stand this life. I want a career and to be able to have a family like everyone else takes for granted. I can’t stay stuck with no money and I can’t just go out there and earn extra because my record won’t be spent for a long time due to conditional discharge. I’m completely fed up of having a disability that others don’t understand. The negative judgements hurt me because I am not the person others assume. I have put my own a** on the line to help others throughout my life. I’ve never expected anything in return. I do however object to people assuming I’m an awful person. I’m not dangerous, but I will go up against dangerous people within the system to protect others. I’m not a person who can sit there and not make it known if I see something abusive. There’s nothing dodgy about me. I’ve only ever been nasty to people in extreme circumstances. It’s normally when I’ve been pushed from all directions into a meltdown because no one is listening to what I’m trying to tell them or understanding them. That doesn’t make me an awful person. I can’t get that out of my head. I hate the way that I’ve been labelled. It hurts me when all I ever tried to do was protect others in my past.