I am aware that I most likely feel like I’m struggling this week because I’ve not been well. I feel like I’m climbing uphill constantly. I haven’t done half of the housework that I needed to do. It’s the worse I’ve ever let it get so far since I’ve lived here. I’ve just had no energy most of this week. I have taken a painkiller because my migraine just kept lingering. It did go a bit but after being out in the heat it returned. I’m probably going to drop off to sleep soon because I’ve just finished watching the last episode of the Korean television series I was watching on Netflix. I’ve done some of my Maths homework earlier but I’m not great at it. The main thing is knowing enough to at least pass the subject. I’m sure I’ll understand it by the time our July exams arrive. We’re going through the past papers near the exam anyway. I’ve never been brilliant at Maths. I’ll actually surprise myself if I get things right.
I doubt myself quite a lot. It’s not just academically, I do it in every day life. I know that my confidence is at an all time low right now. I haven’t even been to karaoke in a few years, let alone sung at auditions etc. I don’t even enjoy socialising like I did previously. I prefer to be quiet and on my own now. I don’t even find it a lonely life, but more relaxing nowadays. I’m not going to get over the past easily. I’m always going to be affected by things I’ve been through. The worse part is that I cannot get close to another person. I won’t let anyone touch me or get even emotionally close to me now. I am just so afraid of being hurt all over again. I’m also afraid of offending another person without meaning to because of my own issues.
I do feel quite lost. I wanted to do so much with my life which seems an impossibility after how I’ve been labelled. I feel stuck. I do try to go out there but sometimes my anxiety is far too severe. I don’t want to be stuck in a life I don’t want. It’s soul destroying for me because growing up (before I was labelled) I had so many hopes and dreams that won’t ever happen now. I was very ambitious growing up. I feel that this has all gone to waste now because I’m not able to reach my full potential due to circumstances.