Been horrendously ill all night. Things are affecting me extremely badly.

I am going to try hard not to go into detail but I have not had a very pleasant night. I have never been so bad before. I’ve had the most horrendous monthlies for a few years which has made me aneamic. But it was so much worse during the night. To cut out the very unpleasant details. I had to sleep on newspaper and even then, I still needed to get up and wash the sheet because it looks like something has been slaughtered on it.

I went through 3 different pjs/onesies because there was so much coming out. I literally feel weak and dizzy because I lost that much blood. I close my eyes and I’m seeing blue colours. As I said before, the longer things remain unresolved… the more it’s affecting me in this way. I can’t carry on like this anymore. If I did ever work then I couldn’t with these types of effects bought on by what has gone on. I lose more and more iron, ending up weak and dizzy. Prolonged that can be fatal. I take iron tablets or increase iron intake in dietary ways and it makes my monthlies even more severe.

I’m severely suffering and all the gp offers me is the coil. The route of the issues have to sorted not a band aid but there. I don’t like the thought of the coil. Even my anti depressants are like putting a plaster over what has happened. It doesn’t sort things out. It’s fine for others because they’ve got their lovely little lives. They’re not unemployed or struggling financially because of things that have happened. It isn’t right to leave things as they are when it’s severely making me ill.

‘Everything happens for a reason’. I run through my artistic pursuits of the last 18 months… to try to make myself feel better about current circumstances.

I’m really feeling sad tonight. I can’t see how everything I’ve been through has happened for a reason. I’m distraught over all the horrible things that have happened in my life. I have never felt traumatised this much in my entire life. I literally have to take painkillers and diazepam (which I’ve had to buy from a trusted website— there is literally only one that I actually trust for genuine medication). I have completely lost all my previous ambitions which I had as a younger person. I’d rather be drugged up 24/7 on some kind of substance. Maybe not illegal substances because I’d never take them. I just like the feeling of floating and not really being present.

Life is too painful when you’re a certain level of intelligence. I wish that I had never found out some of the things that I did because now they haunt me. I’d rather have stayed out of it. I could have had such a better life. I see no point in this one whatsoever. I’m not a person that others want to know. Well, I am but I wanted a career and to not be unemployed. I’m not a snob, I get on with anyone. I just don’t want to be stuck in the circle I’m stuck in for the rest of my life. I’ve never felt so lost before because my whole past has just torn me down so easily. I need a break, but I don’t want a break because it’s against my nature. I’m the kind who believes ‘the show must go on’ in whatever the circumstances.

But, I really am not in that frame of mind right now. I keep getting reminded to send in an audition tape for the x factor via my online submission. I can’t even remember how to sing and I haven’t sang anything in such a very long time (3 years). I literally can’t remember how to do it. I just felt like applying to audition because it is easier now as the first auditions are done via online audition submissions. There is no waiting in huge queues for first auditions anymore. If the panel like someone, they invite them to audition in front of the audience in London (meaning the format has got rid of the first stage auditions and is now focusing more on the in front of a live audience if they like people’s videos auditions). I might try to write my own song or rappy thing. And when I say rap, it is more like ‘posh sounding rap’ with a bit of singing mixed into it. I still have too much of a southern accent to my voice to sound traditionally rappy. 

I always wanted to do my own version of Eminem’s rainman and change some of the words to create an important message to teach television audiences about autism in an entertaining way which gets them to understand without them consciously realising they’re taking in the lesson within the song. That’s going to take a few weeks preparation though and I’m not sure if the deadline is very close to submitting audition tapes. If not, I may have to knock something up via a cover version sort of thing and just send anything. It’s very unlikely the producers will like me anyway. They want someone with stage presence and last time they told me that I would have to visible stop shaking because it was so obvious and coming through in my voice. There is no way that stage presence can happen when you’re nerves are being dominant. The balance has to be just right so that you can have nerves but they don’t affect your performance. I’ve listened to that song many times and I’ve just thought that I could do so much with it which would completely change it’s message but still keep the format.

Of course, I would have to change some of the wording because it is rather offensive in places and wouldn’t fit with what I want to change it into. I’m never going to be able to write a song from scratch because I do not play a musical instrument. I did try to learn the violin and organ as a child but I wasn’t very patient and I lost interest quite quickly. I’ve always been able to carry a tune though as far as singing. I know when I am completely off key before anyone tells me. People keep telling me I should go out there and teach people about rare forms of Autism such as PDA. Even if I don’t get on the actual programme, I could still put it on YouTube or some other video sharing site (due to the copywrite blocking on YouTube nowadays). The fact that most of the lyrics will be changed (and everyone who has listened to Eminem will know exactly why I will be doing) so it may be accepted by YouTube. I will refrain from keeping in some swearing because all ages could be listening to it. Anyway, for sure it will never get on television if you swear on your audition tape. It is literally not allowed on television at that time of night.

I can barely do daily things at the moment, let alone the things above. I’m going to see when the exact deadline is and then decide whether I’m going to ‘get creative’ on an idea such as above. I have already entered a few art and a written things this year. I started off writing a short story ‘Discombobulated Stratagem (fiction)’ for one of a collection of 3 Anthologies late last year, the proceeds to them went to a Cancer charity and Emmaus Homeless charity. I won a Christmas Card Design Competition last Christmas for a small Aspergers charity (one who I was involved in down South). I entered NAS’s Christmas Card Design but didn’t win that (however, due to the amount of entrants around the country that is extremely difficult to win). I also have submitted my entries for a ‘letter in mind – a way with colour’ which will be on display with all the other entries at  the Gallery @OXO Tower Wharf in London from 27th – 30th September 2018. All the envelope designs are being sold anonymously, so we aren’t allowed to release our artist identities until after the exhibition. The proceeds towards that will go towards projects at the National Hospital and The UCL (Institute of Neurology). Their work consists of research of all types of neurological conditions in regards to diagnosis and treatment. The funds also go towards training clinicians specialising in the field of neurology. 

I really do want to dip my hands into everything but I am well aware that I do need a break. I’m supposed to be writing a review on PDA by PDAers compiled by Sally Cat for Jessica Kingsley Publishers soon. I got the book for free in return that I do them a review after I’ve read it on my blog. I may let them use my review on their official advertisements on their website and book advertisements. I will technically own the intellectual property copywrite for the review that I publish on here. I probably won’t get round to finishing that after my final exam in a fortnight. I will get onto it as soon as possible though in between benefit tribunals which must take priority because I’m barely scraping by since they took my DLA off of me and refused me PIP.

Also, if that doesn’t happen, despite not feeling like I can’t work with my disability and trauma from my past at the moment, my other option is trying to get a paid opportunity from the scheme that gives ex offenders work experience which can lead to a permanent position depending on their performance. I’ve managed to pull myself back from the brink of a breakdown many times, so I’m hoping to do that again. I need to keep chasing all the options because I haven’t even got the PIP tribunal date yet or been contacted by the programme that I’ve been referred to via probation. I just have to do something because I financially can’t carry on with this little money long term and be able to afford bills and living expenses. Even if I can just get a percentage of daily living component back for PIP then I could get the percentage of my rent back which I lost because of being under 35. Then I could stay in the work group of ESA and build up to how much I am permitted to earn per week. That is until universal credit migration happens (which those of us who haven’t been migrated onto it are absolutely petrified of due to what we’ve heard from those that have already gone through it).

Things can’t stay as they are any more. This is very important.

I have absolutely no desire to upset anyone else here but I simply can’t function in regards to how things are anymore. I am distressed and extremely anxious on a daily basis because of how things remain. Also, the things that were said to me by those that didn’t understand my disability has absolutely ripped me apart. I am getting to the point where I’m beginning to get beyond being able to take anymore. Everything that has happened, simply cannot stay as it is because I am getting suicidal over it. That seems like the only escape from not being able to change things because it’s in other people’s hands. I literally have been that depressed this week that I have barely been out. Only to the shop to get a drink and supermarket to get food in. I’m barely eating anyway because I don’t feel up to it.

It is unfair to keep things as they remain okay. Everything that society and others are punishing me for are to do with my disability. I didn’t chose to be born with that disability. Like someone in a wheelchair, I deserve understanding and kindness when it comes to my limitations. I’m broken beyond repair here and the only way to help me is undo everything that has happened. I know that can be done so I’m absolutely fed up of being told that it can’t be. I may have learning disabilities but I’m quite aware that certain processes can be undone by request. This is getting serious now. It’s not treatment that will help any mental health issues/trauma that I have ended up experiencing because of what has happened. An anti depressant is absolutely no consolation to others doing the right thing for me. I’m in severe emotional pain over this and no anti depressant or any pill is going to stop that. It’s not like anyone gave me a chance in the first place to even get to know me. Then how can they continue to justify that I deserve this?

I know that people assume that I am playing around to manipulate others into doing what I want. But, this is far from the case. I can’t take this daily emotional pain anymore and the way things remaining affecting me. If the other person involved has any narcissist points to their personality, I beg of them not to take them out on me anymore. I genuinely care about other people. I’m not one of the superficial one and my mistakes have been honest due to not knowing any better and being a bit backward. I’m tormented by what happened and how things remain. I cannot take things in limbo as they remain, stuck and stagnating. The affects that is having on me is causing me to be unable to function in life. I’m at a huge point where the pain inside of me is unbearable and it is affecting my physical health, not just my mental health. I just want a compromise and a reversal of everything. I have no desire for conflict. I know that I messed up but I don’t feel that it is right that I am punished forever. I’m not asking to be friends but at least on occasional speaking terms because I looked up to them a lot. I don’t want to be hated and things remaining as they are makes me feel that way. That leads me to self-loath and have no self-worth left. I can’t move forward unless others do what is in their power to fix things. It is all about talking to the right connections to reverse things and the other side is in the perfect position to do that.

I am heading towards suicide and I know that no amount of treatment will stop it unless the root causes are addressed and fixed.

I don’t feel well tonight / a warning about challenging dark energy (which you think might be bringing bad luck). And finally a bit of science behind anti depressants.

I haven’t really been awake a lot today because I feel rather ill. It’s just the normal monthly crap as well as an added stomach upset. These can happen together anyway. There are many symptoms hormones can give you and they vary. I have quite severe stomach ache still but I think the worse of it is over. I had a nice bath and did some of the housework. I’m now in bed by 11pm (I know that is really early for me) and just settling down for the night. I have to go in to my Maths lesson tomorrow morning because I’m too near my exam to have this week off. I’m sure that I will wake up back to normal. I have rested all week so surely I’ve done enough to be able to get a little bit better at the very least.

I’m not finding physical illness challenging right now. I am more depressed than I have ever been in my life before. I just don’t want to go out of the flat. I haven’t been out all week and even nipping the supermarket has felt a struggle. I don’t know how I’m going to force myself to do the last few weeks of college and the actual exam. I’m going to try but I am wanting to stay in my flat more and more. I’m on anti depressants. I found them a huge lift when I first got prescribed them, but now it’s like taking a sugar pill. It doesn’t perk me up at all. I’m on a very low dosage and would rather not go up on them as it is just a spiral of getting used to a certain dosage and then being put up, getting used to that dosage and being put up again. That is why we are a country that is getting fatter since the anti depressant prescription levels have risen.

The chemicals in these medications make the body absorb more fat because of their composition. The higher the mg of dosage, results in a higher level of fat absorption. That is why doctors measure the sizing of a person to decide the appropriate level of medication to give them because it’s a scientific balance that could have undesirable effects if not administered appropriately. The GP or psychiatrists aren’t a huge fan of my views because I will only take a minimum dosage of this medication. I am aware that I am petite built and the balance is easy to tip into excess fat absorption territory.

Also, I would like to warn others that are into any form of Wicca or Witch craft, that messing with evil energies/spirits is extremely risky. It should not be attempted unless you feel that all other options have been exhausted and this is the only way to rid yourself of whatever is causing horrendous strings of awful traumatic things to repeatedly occur in your life. I decided that I had absolutely had enough and I was getting rid of whatever had been hanging around me for years causing my misfortunes. I did the burning a piece of paper ritual which is effectively suppose to send away all negative or evil energies and form a protection around you. Well, this energy must have been extremely evil and powerful. The glass surrounding the candle actually shattered and exploded (as illustrated by the photo below). I got very ill afterward which I’m not sure if it was connected or not. I do feel better now though, so maybe the troublesome energy has left me alone. It’s been a long time coming as that hanger on energy has been taking liberties and causing me misfortune continuously throughout my life for far too long. I hope that if it’s gone back to a hell like realm that it spends it’s eternity suffering. 

wicca

This is the depth of how naïve I’ve been the whole of my life so far. Introducing….

I learned something today while listening to a radio show on the way home from somewhere in the car. This illustrates how naïve I actually am because I didn’t have a clue that other women thought this way. As someone who wasn’t popular at school or even in their group of hangers on, I didn’t like those groups at school. Some of those groups bullied me and made me feel like a freak. That is why I didn’t like them as they were cruel to me. I obviously do not think like a typical woman because I never really understood why some women just hated the existence of other women. There never seemed to be any logic in it and I really thought that they were just being pathetic. I had other females bitch me and leave me out when I was in friendship groups and I blamed myself for not being ‘good enough’. I’m sure not every female lives their life by these unwritten social complexities. I certainly haven’t lived my life using the social framework mentioned on the radio today.

This is the ‘Triple Threat – Beautiful Face, Body and Personality’. It finally dawned on me why I’d experienced such conflict with other females but had a lot of male ‘friends’. Maybe there has never been a proper terminology for how women see certain other women before, but there hasn’t always been labels for things. I thought the bitchiness and hate were just because of my own faults which pissed off others. It actually probably wasn’t as much that as the fact that I was seen as a triple threat in their eyes. I don’t like my face, but others tell me it’s naturally pretty. I’ve always been curvy and my personality is reasonable when it’s not covered by anxiety and shyness. I don’t hold back when I have something that I think needs to be said. Maybe other women do see me as a threat? I certainly am not a threat to them. Let’s face it, I will never be a Mother ever again. It is also highly unlikely that my son will ever find me. I’m never going to get a career because no one gives anyone a chance with a criminal record. I do have talents but my lack of confidence stops me showing them.

On the other hand, if this triple threat thing is such an issue to some women. Then I do not mind working alongside women who see me in that way. I would willingly work in the background to prop them up when it comes to their achievements. I used to want the limelight as a youngster, but now all I want is a peaceful life. That doesn’t happen when you go out there and put yourself in the public eye. Others have tried to tell me that the Uni tutor was jealous of me. I never believed it because in my eyes I’d never get to the level that they were due to my labels. The only thing they could possibly be jealous of me for was the fact that I had a child (even though he didn’t stay with me) and that I was many years younger than her. In my own way, I was jealous of her because I saw that position as somewhere I’d never get near and socially she had ‘it’. I don’t have it and I probably never will do. I do not feel that us women should be jealous of each other. If we weren’t so divided by jealousy then we could work wonders as a team in many situations. I try not to bitch but it’s so hard when others are negative towards me.