I think this is the perfect topic for how I actually am feeling today. They are so bad today. I’m hoping that it is over soon for a while. I don’t get many weeks break from the hormone issues but at least I know I’m nearly at the end of this cycle now. It’s probably not a great idea to have a conversation with me about anything until Monday because we’ll just end up in an argument. I also changed my mind about letting my cousin come over to my house with her children later this week. I just can’t be around children after what happened with my son. I have tried extremely hard to not be affected in that way. I promised myself that I’d never become old and bitter, however, this is exactly how I have become. I can do children in passing but not spend an extended amount of time with them. It hurts me too much emotionally. I thought it would be okay after 5 years, but it’s actually become worse. I get so upset and it’s completely irrational. I get it because I really wanted a child and I know that I’m probably never going to have another one due to many circumstances.
I had ‘brain fog’ this morning. I knew exactly what I meant but couldn’t find the word I was looking for when talking to someone. I said the wrong word but corrected it by showing them the bit I needed looking at on my car. I said bonnet when I meant bumper. I hate my brain when it decides it’s going to be this way. I haven’t been well even after my migraine. I don’t think I’ve fully recovered yet. I feel slightly better than yesterday, but still quite flat. That is probably hormone related. The fortnight before my monthly is always a pain in regards to hormones. I get swollen ankles which are uncomfortable because I can feel the fluid in them. I bloat so badly that I look like I’ve gained a few pounds. I do get migraines some times too. I feel dragged down by this crap and I hate it.
I know that people don’t understand when I go up and down at these times. I’m not an awful person. I actually felt enraged by ‘slow walkers’ in the supermarket this morning. I’m just so easily irritated right now. I just feel like I’m trapped in a box full of anger. I feel the anger about my past when I’m hormonal. It doesn’t help that I can’t change the things I’d rather not be a reality. I’m fed up of being stuck with a label I do not deserve because I snapped when I couldn’t take any more from the horrible system. It bugs me because I know that I never deserved that treatment or the abuse I suffered. This is the cause of my hormone issues. I wouldn’t experience this so intensely if I could change anything. The psychological affects of what happened to me really mess with my hormones.