I am aware that people assume they know me. Even those I’m supposedly related to think that they know me. They actually don’t know me at all and there is more about me than what you can see. The fact that people have treated me negatively because of things they do not understand is completely wrong. They are awful for judging me on things they do not even understand.
I believe in things which others do not because I have certain life experiences. That doesn’t make me crazy or an awful person deserving of being labelled a criminal. Those that have judged me have made absolutely no effort to get to know me. That was completely unfair because if others have got to know me they’d have seen that I’m not an awful person.
What you hear is not always how it was…I don’t believe that anyone actually listens to this blog. I try to explain who I really am but others still continue to hold on to the belief that I’m a weirdo or some kind of evil person. I would like to get others to put themselves in my position and imagine what it is like not to be listened to whatsoever. It’s like I never existed until I snapped after not being listened to and people only see the negative reaction. They don’t see how I was continually pushed from all directions to reach meltdown point.
The system has abused me from a young age. I was continually treated as someone that had nothing to offer due to my disability and met so many abusive individuals within that system. They violated me in ways I do not wish to repeat on here. I’ve never spoken about it because I just don’t want to go there. I’m not an abuser. I was just someone who had enough of the system not listening to me and being abused over and over again by different people within that system. I don’t have to be damaged if others make an effort to see me and help me as a person. Rather than how they have treated me. The things I said to certain people and the way I acted wasn’t me. That was only how I reacted because I was continually pushed and not supported properly. That wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t have to be punished for that forever. I am punished like that forever because others have negative opinions of me and things aren’t changing.
All I desperately need is for people to see me for who I am. I’m not a scary person and I know that me feeling things freak others out. But, it isn’t that scary when you get used to it. Being able to pick things up and see/feel other things that others can’t was never a choice for me. I’m not the only one that can do it.
I am fed up of this system blaming the victims and somehow making them the perpetrators of forms of abuse. These people, like myself, are pushed to the point where they kick back. I desperately need people to see this because I feel like an awful person and I shouldn’t. That makes what abuse others have done to me as a youngster justified and that isn’t right.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 