How long is a person able to stand an existence they can’t change?

I feel extremely down tonight. There are days when I just cannot stand my existence. I cannot stand being trapped in a PTSD hole any longer. I haven’t been out socially for such a long time and I’m starting to feel extremely disconnected. It was okay for the first year or so and then it started to feel more like a trap than giving myself a break. I feel trapped by the constant anxiety and nightmares. I don’t get a full nights sleep because I have a dream which wakes me up and then I’m too scared to go back to sleep in case I have another unpleasant dream. I can never rest due to experiencing intense anxiety regularly throughout the day.

I now feel that I can’t go out after being judged negatively and punished. I am just so fearful that someone else may take a disliking to my PDA Autism type traits. The only way I can stop that from happening is if I do not mix or spend a lot of time outside my four walls. However, I’m still extremely anxious at home, especially when my door buzzer is pressed. I start going into a panic and my legs go like jelly. That kind of stress brings on my migraines and then I have that to contend with for a few days sometimes. This feels like a constant uphill struggle and trying to do it on my own is slowly sending me into exhaustion mode. I try to put myself off of how traumatised I still am by doing the artwork (eg for Christmas card competitions and exhibitions), walking and also have decided to explore Netflix for a free month to see what is on there to distract me.

I’ve found a Korean comedy drama series that I enjoy called Oh my Ghostess. There are subtitles in English as it’s recorded in Korean. It’s about a dead girl’s ghost that possesses another girl and comes across relatives of hers and realises just how much people have moved on over the three years since she died. The ghost gets trapped in the other girls body and she’s constantly trying to avoid this shaman woman who was trying to keep the ghost of the girl contained as body hopping (possessing people) was against the afterlife code. The girl that died was a virgin and she’s portrayed as a very horny ghost lusting after the guys because she feels like she missed out in life. The girl she possesses is a shy reserved character who is nothing like her. It is quite funny but also has it’s serious moments too. It does feel quite tedious to keep track of because obviously I cannot understand Korean and am relying on the subtitles to understand the dialogue going on between the characters. They all bow their head to each other in Korean films. I know it’s part of their culture as a mark of respect. I just cannot imagine us doing that in our culture over here. If I ever got really fed up of subtitles I saw a learn Korean in 24 hours video on youtube so at least I’ll be able to understand what is happening without having to read what is being said. 

I did take a look at the Orange is the new black comedy that I’ve heard many people rave about. I just can’t see the appeal. After all the reviews I’ve heard about the show, I found it a bit of an anti-climax. I probably just don’t find that kind of thing appealing. I’m sure it’s popular for a reason with others, but I just don’t share their view. I’m not sure if I’m going to keep watching it after my months free trial is up. I will only pay £5.99 per month if I actually enjoy the programmes more than the ones on standard television. I’m definitely going to watch the whole series of the Korean comedy drama while I am on the trial because I’m into that.

Then there is another thing which is caused by everything that has gone on. I’m getting anaemic because of my heavy monthlies and being told I have to consider the coil being fitted to prevent them going like that. If I didn’t feel so affected by everything then it wouldn’t be affecting me like that. Why should I have to undergo an unnecessary procedure when I know what’s causing it? I don’t want to have to go through that but if I don’t I will keep getting low iron levels.

I spoke to my probation officer today. People in the system assume that I had a choice about how the situation panned out. I actually didn’t because everyone refused to work together and then blamed me for kicking off due to how things affected me. I wasn’t given a chance to sort it out because I was told I had no choice from the beginning and that I had to accept being excluded permanently.