I barely managed to even go for a walk today, let alone gain enough energy to do bits of housework. Even looking at things are making me instantly feel exhausted today. I feel like someone has come and taken all my energy away. I even slept for half of the day. Last night I got so tired that I started to feel sick with it. That has never happened before. I have started to feel like that over twice over the last few months. On the first occasion I thought that it was a one off related to how stressed I felt with exams coming up etc. I’m not stressed any more because the pressure is off in regards to the exams I was terrified I wouldn’t pass. I felt sick with the tiredness when I got back from my pitiful short walk.
I get really irritated with myself when I’m like this because I get absolutely nothing done whatsoever. The flat gets in a state and I don’t like living in the mess and sometimes dirt in places. I know that normally I get it done eventually even if it takes me a couple of months, but I find it hard to concentrate living in a messy environment. I’m the most laid back person ever when it comes to having things sprawled all over the place but I can’t study or work on anything when things are like that. It is like that clutters my brain. I know that is probably the sensory side of my Autism coming through. But, it is quite conflicting because I thrive in an organised environment… however, unfortunately I’m naturally a disorganised person. This is what having the PDA type of Autism can be like. It’s like walking in a state of confusion being surrounded by contradictions. I can’t even relate to others with Asperger Syndrome (which was my original diagnosis) because my brain constantly fires from one thing to another. I’m all over the place mentally because this is the natural PDA state. It isn’t something that is ever going to be easy to get used to either by individuals with this form of Autism or the people around them.
I feel guilty for being the way I am, even though I know that I can’t help it. Others have assumed that I can help the way I am and it’s been drilled into me that I’m evil because of the way I am. The more I’ve tried to explain my disability to others, the more I’ve been punished. I therefore give up trying to explain it because society has absolutely no understanding of it. I already have enough records to my name which will mean I will probably never persuade someone to employ me. If others haven’t got it by now, that means they never will and I’m not putting myself through the stress of trying to explain again.
I am left with quite detrimental affects which I’d describe as PTSD like because of things that have happened. I’m literally scarred for life. I had a withheld number ring my landline earlier and it has made me anxious for the rest of the day. I don’t like it and it puts me on edge so easily. A withheld number feels like a personal attack to me. It may be a cold caller because it didn’t ring many times, but it still affects me. I don’t give my landline number out nowadays because I rely on my mobile for receiving calls when I’m out etc. I’m okay with planned withheld numbers. The doctors comes up with private number and they’re scheduled to ring me later on this week about the way forward in regards to my anaemia. I had just woken up this morning and posted a status update before my phone rang. It may have just been a coincidence but I get really paranoid about being ‘watched’. I see being watched as coinciding with being judged negatively because of my disability traits. Unless prior arrangement, I do not like people attending my address (because the door buzzer gives me a panic attack) or people ringing my landline. I do not know how long I’m going to be that way, but for the foreseeable future this is my request otherwise my anxiety goes sky high and I cannot even function.