Sometimes my blood really boils but I can’t say anything (because I’m not allowed).

Those that know me in a personal capacity will know how I’m still affected by certain things that have gone on. I still have anger there about it too. I’m not fully ready to let go of the anger I feel towards certain things yet. I read something on a social network earlier by chance between one of the other person’s friends and them. Things will pop up from time to time on your walls if you’ve been linked with accounts because that is what social networks do. It made my blood literally boil though. After some of the things the friend of the other person said to me which in turn made me feel so evil at one point that I nearly took my own life, not to mention that at that point I was trolled by a load of the friendship group. It was about believing in people from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Those that know the situation are well aware that I am unable to retaliate with a comment because of the restraining order that is in place indefinitely due to everything that went on. However, it doesn’t stop me getting extremely upset over comments like that after what they did to me. I was totally let down and then blamed for it. Also, no one believed in me. I was from a disadvantaged background and in some stages of my life was abused. This other person certainly didn’t pay it forward, they actually pushed me into taking my own life nearly. The other person apparently didn’t want to hurt me (well that is what was said in court), but they have to understand that they’ve left me with ptsd effects after everything. I cannot forgive them for that. I go into a panic and end up shakey when my door buzzer rings. I cannot socialise without feeling like I want to escape.

I am well aware that everyone thinks I did everything on purpose. I wasn’t told anything way back when I should have been. I remember the conversation between me and the other person a week before everyone told me to stop emailing. They said the opposite and I continued to hold on to that memory in my head so that I had hope we’d be friends one day. I was also pushed extremely far to say the things I did to the other person via email. There was so much going on in the background that others haven’t a clue about. I was drinking. I had abusive support services, regardless of what they try to say about that period of time, their behaviour was abusive. I felt attacked so I retaliated.

Although, I don’t expect anyone to actually listen to me and believe I’m not an awful person, because others have to come to conclusions themselves. I can’t make other people see what was going on in my life to send me into meltdowns regularly. I’m a lot more relaxed now because I learned to distance myself from things I found upset me and left me unsettled constantly. I also decided to go onto medication after years of being reluctant to permanently try that treatment option as I hated the thought of weight gain. I now barely eat (because of money issues – benefit cuts and not having a job) so this issue is no longer something I have to worry about. All I care about is eating occasionally each day, the rent/bills being able to be paid for and the cats having enough to eat. I don’t need a lot and now my stomach has started to shrink I only need one sandwich a day. Sometimes breakfast cereal and a small main meal. The cats get more food than I do.

As far as I’m concerned, everything I have managed to do is because I did it for myself. I wasn’t helped by anyone else. I was never ever believed in because people only saw the negative parts of me associated with my disability. I will never forget that everyone let me down. And, I will never forgive either.