I’ve worked so hard but I’m so tired!

I’m starting to feel the effects of how hard I’ve worked to get back up after everything. I am exhausted mentally more than physically. I’ve worked so hard to have more control over my ocd and basically be less annoying. I had to do it all on my own because there was no support out there. 87 meltdowns (I counted them in my diary where I documented everything) in the last few years finally resulted in some form of progress. Others without Autism have no idea how mentally exhausted meltdowns leave a person. It doesn’t hit you right away. There is a delay and I was hoping that the full impact would come after my exams. I can rest then and have time to myself (which I love so much nowadays).

I have the messiest flat and now it’s got such a major task, I’m constantly telling myself that I’ll clean it and tidy it tomorrow. I get to tomorrow and I’m exhausted again. I know it’s mental exhaustion because I am able to walk miles and do my daily exercises on my phone apps. I just can’t face the clean up task of my flat right now. I’ll feel lots better and be able to study for my exams easier when it’s done. It just feels like a mountain of a task to me because I’ve let every room get too messy.

I still do have depression. I don’t feel it all the time, but it does still happen. I just don’t really make an issue out of it or discuss it much with anyone. I’m never going to get over the things I’ve been through in my life. I’m going to have to live with the nightmares, fears and depression which those things have given me. I’ve spoken to other women who have had children forcibly removed from them and adopted. None of them have ever been the same as they were before it happened to them. There’s always that dark shadow overcast because your child is spiritually still linked with you, but you’re parted physically. It feels so wrong and your whole existence feels like some kind of mistake. Your child grows up potentially never ever meeting you again. In many cases life gets in the way and they never get to cross paths again. I’m a strong person. I fought to keep my son until the very end of the process I went through to stop his adoption.

I paid the price for always challenging the system around here. In the end, I was made to suffer for speaking out throughout my life. If I’d have known what was going to be done to me throughout my life, then I wouldn’t have stood against the system from an early age. I always found it so hard not to speak against injustice. I hate unfairness with a passion. I cannot stand inequality. I just can’t not say anything because I get so upset about these things. I was always the weird kid that got treated negatively because I weren’t socially cool and also was a target for bullies. That experience drilled the dislike for inequality into me. I still am the ‘weird kid’ but I am a lot more accepting of that part of me now.

I find that if you’re comfortable with certain aspects of yourself, it helps others to be more accepting of them. It is important that you don’t freak out because others will start stressing too. It’s hard to keep calm sometimes when your issues are really nagging you, but it only can make things worse if you get stressed on top of them. I do get anxious but I act chilled now. I don’t let on when I’m anxious by switching in to ocd mode. I simply just say what I have to say and how I feel. The other night I remained quite chilled outwardly. Believe me, I certainly didn’t feel chilled inwardly or at all comfortable with how another person was acting. I live on my own and I’m still finding it hard to not worry about a repeat of the other night happening or the person randomly dropping in again.

I’m not that comfortable with where I live any more because there is a lot of drug issues in this area. I’m trying to get the education that I’ve missed and then wish to progress in life. The people in this area (not everyone but quite a few) will be living on the poverty line taking various substances until the day that they die. They’ve lived their entire lives like that already. I don’t want that kind of life. I’m working extremely hard not to have that kind of life. I would like to have some form of career. I’m not bothered about marriage or any relationship. I certainly have resigned myself to the idea of never having any more children. I just have so much more potential than a lot of the people in the area where I live. I don’t want anything to do with drugs. It causes so much hassle. I don’t even drink alcohol anymore.