I am aware that a lot of people see me as an awful person. They think that I was like that by choice or because I was personally attacking anyone. From a young age I was pushed continually by the system. There was only so much that I could take. In a round about way, the system actually gave me my problems. I couldn’t express myself very well as a youngster. I could never make what I was trying to put across sound understandable to others.
I practically started my life on medication that was too strong for my brain. It was better being in a zombie like state because I wasn’t aware of anything. I have since been aware of the damage that it’s done to my brain because of the issues I’ve had to battle since that time. I’m not bothered about people feeling sorry for me. I am simply saying how things have always been behind closed doors. Sympathy isn’t going to change anything that has ever happened to me. I have accepted that people are going to bully me for my differences due to the fact that they don’t understand. I see it as a fact of life now.
I was bullied severely at school by both staff and students. It got worse as I got older because after coming off of that medication I was noticeably different due to the fact that I ended up still acting like a child. I wasn’t able to learn anything or progress on them so my brain has always remained behind my age group in regards to maturity and skills. I was referred to CAMHS, which was the start of the abuse I suffered from the system. It got worse when they transferred me over to the adolescent teams. They had absolutely no understanding of Autism when I was a child and it showed in professionals attitudes within the services. The attitude still exists now in a lot of mainstream places. I’ve mentioned tiny snippets of what professionals have said to me on my blog occasionally. However, it has been a constant series of abuse and that is why I’ve snapped back.
I suffer with problems daily because of the medication I was given as a child. I have coordination issues. I cannot see properly in one eye (that is something I was born with though). I have stomach problems and headaches, which makes life quite uncomfortable at times. I have hormonal imbalances which I can tell not just by my mood, but also by other physical happenings when they’re completely up the wall. I don’t think they’re as severe as they have been in recent years because I’ve noticed it is starting to get slightly better. I’ve noticed my moods are far more balanced on this medication during certain times. I have nearly said screw it and topped myself a few times in my life. The above is a daily struggle, let alone the PTSD like effects which affect my sleep (nightmares) and have stopped me going out to socialise. The only way I’ve been able to stop the mental abuse was to end services but I do need them. The system is too damaging on top of what I’ve already been through. I know for my own state of mind I cannot go there again.