Month: May 2018

These things I have tried myself, so I know that they do help a bit. I don’t want to go into too much details because it will get a little gross to read. I would like to help other women that have the same issues. We can’t do much about hormones. I’ve tried to fight them but sometimes you just have to roll with it. I just avoid people when I’m really wound up because it’s always led to conflict. Certain people like to wind me up on purpose when they realise I’m acting hormonal. I don’t find that fun. I hate how people make fun out of PMT/PMS type things when they really don’t have a clue how horrendous it can be to cope with hormonal disturbances. This is another reason why I’m talking about it.

Recently, there has been things on the television etc about mental issues that can come with monthly hormones. I actually discussed these with my GP when I last went to the doctors about those issues. This was only about a month ago at the most. The only thing they could offer me was an anti depressant which helps hormonal disturbances. There are no investigations that you can have because medical science haven’t come up with them yet. Meanwhile there are lots of us which are suffering on a monthly basis because of the PMT/PMS joke society. I also dislike it when society assumes that PTSD doesn’t exist or refuses to give me a formal diagnosis because then it would prove that what the system did to me actually harmed me. Therefore, that diagnosis could come back on the system. I’m not looking for compensation or to blame anyone for my issues. I just do not want to have the horrible dreams or anxiety that I have both socially and in every day life. I’m trying to battle it myself but I could access proper therapy for that side of things if I get an official diagnosis.

Anyway, a few physical tips in regards to coping with the heaviness of monthlies. I have found that packing your trousers with toilet paper helps when it’s really bad. It’s less embarrassment because there is more layers to go through before it comes through onto your clothes. Also, there is the obvious which involves wearing super flow pads or tampons. I’m 30 years old and I have decided to try tampons for the first time in my life. I’ve always been a bit nervous about using them. I’ve  decided just to go for it. It is important that when you are having one of those severe days of monthlies to stay near regular toilet stops. I find it reassuring knowing that I have less chance of embarrassment if I check regularly. I used to let the way they were every month control me. I now make sure that I technically control them. I can’t stop the way they are but I will not stop doing my daily life because of them. I still exercise when I have the energy. I only had two days off this week because I wasn’t well after my migraine.

I may not be as productive as normal over the next few days. The new Lenovo laptop which I bought a few months ago (after my very ancient laptop started not working) has now thrown a huge wobbly. I cleaned it last night because it was literally full of finger prints. I didn’t spray too much on it because it’s not wise to do so with electronic equipment that may get damaged if it gets into the touchpad or keyboard (there is electronic boards underneath that get temperamental when liquid touches them). I’m hoping I haven’t accidentally damaged it that way.

I used to get told by my Dad that I had ‘nylon knickers’ when it came to electrical equipment. This is because things broke on me when I touched them. I didn’t even have to actually press anything and it would just break on me. I have tried to fix it using the shortcut keys via the keyboard (which I’m not good at because I wasn’t the generation of computer users that grew up without a mouse function on the computers/laptops). The settings are fine. There isn’t anything that has turned itself off. According to the settings, everything should be working normally. I’ve read a few online forums and the only thing it could logically be is something to do with the device drivers. I’ve bookmarked a page of instructions on my mobile phone and I’m going to attempt to keyboard toggle my way into device manager when I get home.

I’ve had quite a relaxing day because I really needed it. I wasn’t feeling too great again when I woke up this morning. I get used that though because it’s always the same for me at this ‘time of the month’. However, I randomly started to feel extremely relaxed (this doesn’t happen often) and managed to get into a deep sleep for at least 3  hours. It was so nice and I needed it so much. I got to sleep earlier last night because I couldn’t watch Netflix due to the laptop malfunction. I ended up with the best sleep for a few hours today though. I don’t get deep sleep that often because I literally hear everything which wakes me up (sensitive hearing to do with my Autism side). I do end up that worn out that I literally just feel an overwhelming tiredness and as soon as I manage to relax I can be gone into a deep sleep for hours. I feel better for it. 

I think this is the perfect topic for how I actually am feeling today. They are so bad today. I’m hoping that it is over soon for a while. I don’t get many weeks break from the hormone issues but at least I know I’m nearly at the end of this cycle now. It’s probably not a great idea to have a conversation with me about anything until Monday because we’ll just end up in an argument. I also changed my mind about letting my cousin come over to my house with her children later this week. I just can’t be around children after what happened with my son. I have tried extremely hard to not be affected in that way. I promised myself that I’d never become old and bitter, however, this is exactly how I have become. I can do children in passing but not spend an extended amount of time with them. It hurts me too much emotionally. I thought it would be okay after 5 years, but it’s actually become worse. I get so upset and it’s completely irrational. I get it because I really wanted a child and I know that I’m probably never going to have another one due to many circumstances.

I had ‘brain fog’ this morning. I knew exactly what I meant but couldn’t find the word I was looking for when talking to someone. I said the wrong word but corrected it by showing them the bit I needed looking at on my car. I said bonnet when I meant bumper. I hate my brain when it decides it’s going to be this way. I haven’t been well even after my migraine. I don’t think I’ve fully recovered yet. I feel slightly better than yesterday, but still quite flat. That is probably hormone related. The fortnight before my monthly is always a pain in regards to hormones. I get swollen ankles which are uncomfortable because I can feel the fluid in them. I bloat so badly that I look like I’ve gained a few pounds. I do get migraines some times too. I feel dragged down by this crap and I hate it.

I know that people don’t understand when I go up and down at these times. I’m not an awful person. I actually felt enraged by ‘slow walkers’ in the supermarket this morning. I’m just so easily irritated right now. I just feel like I’m trapped in a box full of anger. I feel the anger about my past when I’m hormonal. It doesn’t help that I can’t change the things I’d rather not be a reality. I’m fed up of being stuck with a label I do not deserve because I snapped when I couldn’t take any more from the horrible system. It bugs me because I know that I never deserved that treatment or the abuse I suffered. This is the cause of my hormone issues. I wouldn’t experience this so intensely if I could change anything. The psychological affects of what happened to me really mess with my hormones. 

I’ve finally recovered from my migraine. I woke up with it this morning. It wasn’t as severe as last night when the pain was pulsating through my head though. I drank a whole glass of water before I went to sleep because it helps to get rid of the migraines I keep getting. That worked a bit because it dulled the pain but I didn’t get a settled night sleep as I kept having to get up to the toilet. That’s always a problem when you drink lots of water before going to bed to get rid of a headache. There is no way that you get a settled night because what goes in has to come out. I woke up 4 times last night needing the toilet. I even drove my cat mad who was trying to sleep on my bed next to me. I kept waking him up every time I had to get up.

I still don’t feel right since I got rid of my migraine. I still feel off in some respects. I can’t even describe how I feel in words very easily. I just kind of feel flat and lack motivation to do anything. I didn’t even go for a walk today. I don’t think hormones are helping because I’m so sweaty at the moment. It’s hot anyway. But now it’s cooled down I’m even sweaty. I felt like I was going to be sick with that migraine last night. I don’t get that bad very often. I’ve been sick with them at very stressful times in my life but right now I’m staying away from everyone and having some alone time. That doesn’t cause me stress. I only get stressed around people because that is when my PDA really flairs up.

And while we’re on the subject of PDA, I’ve been sent a book that has just been released which has been written by those with the PDA form of Autism. I got the book for free on the proviso that I write a review on my blog after I’ve read it. I’ve only glanced at it because I’ve been doing some of my Maths homework tonight. I desperately need to also tidy my flat and clean up because it’s one hell of a mess in here.  I really need to clean it before my cousin and her children come over for a visit later on this week. Therefore, I most probably won’t get round to reading it yet.

I’m hoping that I will wake up feeling better tomorrow. I haven’t felt back to normal all day yet. I know my health problems are getting worse. And, as much as I really do want the chance to work, I just don’t think I’d be able to stick a job without getting extremely ill. Either ending up in a meltdown or physically in a state like I was last night. I can do things in short bursts but if I overdo it then I severely get affected. I just want a normal life but it’s going to take someone really understanding to be with me if I ever do have a relationship or even get married (not that I have any desire to get married at this point of my life or at any point really). The person I end up with will have to understand that after all I’ve been through, I cannot trust anyone. I don’t want anyone to take my lack of trust towards them personally. It will take a long time to ever build trust with another person again. I’m not in the right mind-set right now. Right now, I’m too afraid of people and need to be on my own quite a lot. 

I went to the Gym today because I really have to use my membership. I spent an hour there because otherwise I overdo it. I won’t want to go regularly if I don’t alternate between some machines as it gets boring. I used to go for 2 hours but I soon got extremely bored of that. It was just too long. I’m not going to renew my membership in August because I cannot afford it any more. I decided that I’m not really a fan of the Gym anyway and had more joy with weight loss doing other things. I came home and did housework in the flat. It’s still far from completed but I can’t do it all at once.

I have a migraine tonight. That is caused by hay fever as that is continually filling up my sinuses. I blow it out, no sooner have I done that, it fills back up again. I had a migraine cooling strip on for a while but I still feel horrendous. I’m going to take an anti histamine so that I can at least get some sleep without my nose running or filling up. It’s painful enough when it’s all getting stuck in my head. I love the weather (especially after the thunderstorms at the weekend) but I’m technically allergic to it when the pollen count is medium to high.

I discovered that my car had been vandalised today. Someone has keyed a C into the back of my car. I was not happy when I found it. I really have to go now because my head pain is too intense to stare at the screen any longer.