I’m not even depressed. I’m just genuinely tired of life. I just want a break but I can’t right now. I wish that I could just pause life and go off for a few weeks. I’m worn out feeling guilty about the past when I wasn’t on medication and did some awful things. I get these feelings several times a day. It’s completely exhausting and distressing for me because I’m thinking about things on a continual basis beating myself up about how I’ve acted as a person.
I feel like it’s tearing me down, pushing me down a metaphorical hole. I’m trying desperately to climb back out of that hole but my self hatred for myself is dragging me back down it. I hate myself for everything I did when I wasn’t on medication. I know that I’ll never be forgiven. I am also aware that I’ll never be believed. Others only see what they want to see and only understand things to a certain level. There are so many others who cannot relate to my experiences. It is impossible for others to understand an issue that they do not experience. The fears that I had are personal to me. I won’t ever forgive myself because I feel like I was evil. I can’t shake the feeling of being pure evil off.