Adjusting to things isn’t easy. The medication option was the only ever viable path for me.

I’m exercising on a daily basis (not walked in the last two days because of the horrendous weather). I feel a bit more toned but I’m not consistently losing weight. I constantly yo yo but that is definitely hormonal because it’s nearly ‘that time’ for me. I’m doing better than I normally do. I gain approximately 4 pounds normally when it’s about ‘that time’. I know that it’s better than before but I’m still over a stone heavier than I’d like to be. I used to be 8 and a half stone. I know that I’m not as young as I was but it doesn’t stop me wishing I was that size again. I am aware that realistically I could probably only get down to 9 stone. That would be better than nearly 10 stone because I do not like my body this ‘chunky’. I’ve noticed my hips getting wider even since I’ve tried to start burning the excess fat off.

I’m quite sure that it is this medication. I’ve gone up from a 36 inch to nearly 38 inch waist in the fortnight that I’ve been on medication. I can’t afford to eat so it isn’t like I’m causing myself to gain inches by over eating. I’ve managed to get my waist down an inch after it went up to 30 (29) and that was because I had a break for a week to trick my body into thinking it was a new exercise routine (you lose more weight that way). I walked a lot for the week I had off of my abs app (60 miles in total). Then this week because I noticed my thighs looking a bit flabby I started on the app to train your thighs etc. After two days, the ache has finally gone away from the top of my thighs. I obviously don’t use those muscles normally. They do look a bit better now but not noticed much of a result due to just having started using that app. I’m going to try to go the Gym tomorrow because I’m paying for it anyway.

I firmly do not enjoy exercise in general. It makes me hot and miserable but I want to keep my figure. Well, at least know that I put a fight to keep it even if I end up a fat mess. I’ve been as large as a size 16 and I never felt that this was truly me. I was early 20s at that point and again I was on medication. I cannot believe that was a decade ago. I wish that I was that age again because I’ve done absolutely nothing with my life. I did try but it never worked out. I feel more like a 20 year old than a 30 year old because I’ve never had a relationship and lack experience so much. I’m not confident to go out there and find someone. I’m not sure I even want to ever be in a relationship. I have absolutely no desire there whatsoever. I’m okay with my life being the way that it is and I’m not a fan of socialising. I like being solitary and on my own. I’m most comfortable with that kind of life. It’s a lot more peaceful than adding people to it that may not be trustworthy.

I hate taking medication because of the weight gain. I know it sounds really ridiculous to those that do not get why being slim is so important to me. I feel like I’m looking at a stranger in the mirror when I see myself having gained weight. I don’t feel like that is who I am. It’s not who I want to be. I know that I have to rely on medication now because that medical screw up when I was a child means that my brain cannot function right without medication. It never learned to regulate it’s own thought patterns because it was on medication when I was about 8 years old to 11 years old. I developed my behaviour problems when I was taken off of anti epileptic medication aged 11. I’ve got to make the decision to stay on medication now otherwise I’ll never be ‘normal’. I don’t think I am autistic. I just think that the medication I was given as a child (proven to be wrong  and way too strong dosage may I add) has damaged my brain development which has mimicked similarities to autism. I have noticed a difference on the current medication. I feel more settled and less all over the place (which is how I feel off of medication). I drive myself crazy with racing thoughts and adhd, ocd type behaviours, let alone others around me. I’ve made this decision for the good of everybody around me, not just myself. I literally used to end up in tears having meltdowns because my brain couldn’t cope with all the information as it couldn’t filter things out.

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