One of my worst days…. this is like as bad as it gets in regards to disability etc.

I have so much to do but I literally can’t push myself to do it. I can see the mess in my flat and I know that it needs tidying up and cleaning in places but I just can’t. Even contemplating the washing up seems far too much right now. I walked ten miles yesterday (to the end of the next town from where I live and back). Maybe it was far too much. I managed to  have nearly a full nights sleep until my cats woke me up wanting to come in the window. I have to let them in because they are very noisy and the neighbours might complain as they do it from about 3am. I have my GCSE law exam in a month.

This time next month I will be just completing my final paper in it. I know that I have to study that but I can’t face taking that folder out and doing any revision at this moment in time. I know that I’m probably going to fail because I am not remembering enough. Even if I remember the information, I do not know how to formulate that into some form of answer for the exam questions. The tutor support we get is extremely patchy. The tutors don’t get paid for the assistance they give us, therefore, it’s not that in depth or helpful. The tutor I have keeps saying she’s sent exam papers for me to practice on in the post, yet they haven’t came to me. She’s apparently sent them twice now. I haven’t had my nightwish tickets either. I have noticed that my post is quite slow in general (a bit like me right now). If they’re going to arrive then I really hope that they come very soon otherwise after my exam they’ll be useless to me. I can’t even retake the exam because that gcse level subject is being discontinued after this springs exam.

It was just an extra subject to give me more GCSE results anyway. I was never confident that I had the brains to actually pass such a complex subject. There’s just so much to remember. There is some case law that is important to remember too because they established civil tests for duty of care such as the neighbour principle (Donoghue v Stevenson) and then there is another one. I cannot remember that one yet off the top of my head, but it’s about proximity and relationship. I may get something in the exam I’ve not even studied. On the second paper you do get a choice of just covering one area because it goes into things like family law and other types of specialist areas. The first paper is a general overview of the English legal system until you get to the last questions where you have to decide whether you’re answering things about Sources of Law or People in Law. I’m better at the Sources of Law because I just can’t grasp the details surrounding the other topic area. I need to look at those first and then really go over the unit 2 topics the day before my other exam just to make sure I have enough in my head.

I’m off to the doctors soon. I can’t stand this exhaustion feeling any longer. I’ve had enough of my monthlies. I just want them stopped and everything removed. I don’t know if hormones are causing this tiredness. I know that right now I am leading up to them and I just cannot do anything. It’s not like I need any of those parts of me any longer. I certainly won’t be having any more children. Others have tried to tell me that I may meet someone and change my mind. That is highly unlikely. I’ve been single my whole life so the likelihood of that is virtually 0%. Besides, as I get older, I find the life on my own better for me. Life with anyone else causes me anxiety and I can never truly relax. It has a large basis on how I’ve been treated by others.

I’m scared to even feel connected to another in any way. Even biologically being a Mother means that I’m connected to my child wherever he is now. That is a feeling that makes me uncomfortable. I regret ever going through with the idea to have a child in the first place because I assumed that being a Mother would just kick in, however, it didn’t. I cared about him in my own way. I just didn’t feel any of those feelings that I was told would naturally come. The one thing I’m glad about is not being a virgin anymore. That would just seem really sad at my age. I don’t have the confidence or the patience to build a solid relationship nowadays. I do not like anyone who asks me out. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone who has asked me out. They’re just not attractive to me. I suppose not everyone meets the person they find is right for them. I’m just one of those people and my life is always going to be mostly solitary.

I don’t even have the desire to go out socially anymore. I do feel better for going out socialising on the odd occasion that I do spend time with others. It does perk me up but I’m really not a fan of socialising any more. I go to a pub (used to spend a lot of time in them when I was living down south) and I’m just not feeling the same way any more. I’ve heard that it just isn’t the same going out as you get older, but I thought that was just people trying to make themselves feel better after having kids made them unable to go out like they used to do. I don’t feel the same going out around here in the same way that I did down south. The things that happened to me growing up around here causes that issue. In general, I just feel that this area is one of the most prejudice and ignorant that I have ever lived in. There is so much fakery and pretence here. It isn’t like that down south. People work together more down there rather than being selfish, which is this area.

I’ve had hurtful comments made to me only the other day. It pisses me off when people try to make friends with me to the point where they want to meet me offline and then say heartless things. They told me I had nothing to be heartbroken about. I’ve been through hell in my life. I don’t talk about everything but if people knew my whole story then they wouldn’t say heartless comments to me like that. I am sure that others have had it worse but it doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt about my experiences. And as for trying to tell me I bring on my own issues because I won’t meet them offline. I don’t meet online friends because my anxiety won’t let me. I have met some in my younger days, but I can’t do that anymore.