I didn’t sleep. I got straight up and went out to get bits that I needed for the rest of the week. At this moment in time I really just want to stay in my flat. I have absolutely no desire to even go for a walk. The walk is normally my routine. I just want to sleep but I can’t switch off. I feel very not with it. I have to be up early tomorrow because my car is booked in to have the bumper mended. I have already cancelled once, so I can’t say I’m not coming again. He told me that he only needs the car for about an hour any way. I can then go back home and hide away from the world until I’m feeling less fragile.
I don’t feel well on top of depression. I have left the housework far too long. I’m hoping that I van get my head down for a few hours so that I at least feel like wiping the kitchen tops, dusting and vacuuming, which will make it look ten times better in here. I need space and time to myself. Quite frankly, I do not care about parts of the past because I am not well (physically more than mentally). There is more to life than stressing over what happened in the past. Others may keep things the way they are forever because I’m too weak to fight their opinions or views in any capacity. It is pointless to argue with others who just can’t admit that they did anything wrong whatsoever. At least I own up to everything that I did wrong. I’m very avoidant because of my PDA aspects, but I can admit to the things I did completely wrong. I didn’t do them on purpose. I knew no better at the time. I’ve only just started to grow up.
Others are old enough to know better. I was never a typical youngster. I’ve never felt young even though I may look young to others. I feel everything and that is one hell of a curse. I despise the world we reside in because it is beyond cruel. It has become barbaric and ruthless. I’m reduced to tears regularly because I find the things going on extremely upsetting. I cannot see how humans can do the things that they do to animals or humans. It makes me feel physically sick. I have a lot of older friends that tell me I’ll become desensitised eventually. They tell me that I’m still just a baby and when I’m a decade older I will start to accept the world that I reside in. I do not see that happening. I’m too sensitive. I feel too much. I only have to watch pain being inflicted on an animal or human to have tears streaming down my face. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I can feel their pain. I’m not supposed to have any empathy because of my Autism. Instead, I over feel things. If I’m watching a film which has an unhappy ending or involves intense emotions between people. I actually feel myself getting wound up. I hate injustice and unfairness that much. It actually makes me stressed up watching it.