I am starting to sound old here but I’m glad to have some peace. I’m sitting here without even the television on. I had to get up early this morning but later found out that the body shop had to rearrange my car’s appointment to have a new bumper (after someone hit it during an argument, one that I didn’t even participate in may I add). I couldn’t get the person that caused the damage to pay for it because they literally have no money. Insult to injury was added when I found things stolen from my flat. I don’t know if it was that person or the neighbours, but either way, I don’t like my things even being touched without asking my permission, let alone stolen.
I don’t like other people’s drama anymore, so they can just go and take it somewhere else away from me. I’ve had enough of my own issues, and as much as I am happy to help others out, I do not wish for anyone else’s crap. I’ve grown up. I no longer want to fight about who is right or wrong. The past is the past and it doesn’t matter what happened anymore. I’ve spent so many nights over the years feeling guilty for things that weren’t all my fault at the time. I’ve hated myself for reacting or over reacting negatively because I was so afraid of other people. It has taken me years to admit that I was petrified of other people. I’m sure that it won’t be enough for others not to continue thinking negatively about me for the rest of my life.
Avoidance fear is very intense, trying to pathologically control it when nothing is in your control is quite tiring to experience. The extreme lengths that people like myself will go to in order to avoid anything that they fear is not able to be understood by someone who doesn’t experience it. If the thing that the person fears the most happens, then they will just basically meltdown. I’ve been there many times in my life. It may look like a child’s tantrum but it runs deeper than that. I scream and shout but it’s more about trying to switch the situation off. Especially if I’ve explained that my behaviour issues can’t just be ‘switched off’ on demand and no one has actually taken that into consideration.
I’m a lot better now because I’ve learned not to care. That is difficult when you’re a person that feels everything. I will always care about someone who doesn’t want to see me. I’m legally enforced not to see them because they took my behaviour in such a way that they thought I was a threat. It’s hard not to care about them when they’ve also inspired me to become the person I am. I get told by my friends that I am stupid for still caring because they treated me badly. I am more understanding than a lot of my friends. I’m quite laid back now. I even went out with dry frizzy pastel chalk coloured hair which looked such a mess this morning, but I didn’t care whatsoever. As I’ve aged (feel a lot older than 30), I have realised that it isn’t always about the way you physically look. It takes a variety of things to make up a person. I must admit that I still have arguments with the scales in regards to my weight, but I think a lot of females wish that they were the weight that they were in their younger days. I wish for long hair again but it doesn’t grow well even when I don’t lighten it because of my anaemia. These little issues don’t frustrate me as much as they did a few years ago.
I‘m off for a rest now anyway. I’m not well because I have a cold coming on. It started last night. I have a sore nose that is like a tap. I’ve had to take out my nose stud because it’s making it ten times worse. It makes it run more when it’s in. According to my Mother I am also too old to have my nose stud in any more. She thinks the pastel coloured hair streaks and the nose piercing are teenager things and that by mid twenties, let alone 30, I should have grown out of that image. She hates me bleaching my hair, if she had it her way I’d have boring brown hair. I can show my Mother quite a few adults who have that look who are much older than me. It’s not an age thing. It’s a how you wish to be thing.
I have a conservative Mother and it really shows in her views. She supports Theresa May and I’m all for Jeremy Corbyn. We are, and indeed, always have been complete opposites. She’s quite cold and reserved. I’m loving and open. I’ve never known a proper Mother’s love because of how cold she is towards us (all three of us). We weren’t brought up with physical contact like hugs. Even the warmth just wasn’t there. I look at others with their kids and can see that warmth. I get quite bitter that I couldn’t have had that and that it caused me so many issues in my life. I was close to my Dad but it wasn’t the same and in my later childhood I had to act as a carer for him because of his terminal illness. That can strain a bond because I would have to look after him when my Mother was working. I felt like I couldn’t go out and make friends because my life was at home looking after Dad. I weren’t very great at socialising so I just didn’t even try. I don’t even want to try right now to be totally honest. I’m happy with my own company. I don’t get lonely any more and, above all, I do not fear a life of loneliness any longer.