I just cannot ‘make the grade’ in life. I’ve figured out a few things.

Well, after my hair ends finally gave up and are split to hell due to bleaching. I’m just not going to touch it after this conditioning session but keep oiling (on the scalp mainly because I’m trying to grow the length) it, and then about Thursday next week deep condition it. I think I may have lost a bit of length (it’s hard not to during the lightening process and it always does it on one side more). I’m hoping that I can stop the majority of the ends breaking. It’s not that bad and only I can see some of the ends that are splitting. I have enough hair to potentially lose a bit. I will need it thinning out a bit soon but I actually like it really thick as it gets longer. It is getting heavy though.

I can’t go too blond because my hair doesn’t like it. I’m getting it lighter and then putting different colours in it letting it grow downwards. I won’t have to touch it much unless I’m lightening the roots and filling in the streaks of colours. It’s still gingery. I don’t want to have it trimmed until the ginger is bleached out. I don’t have the money to keep getting my ends tidied up. It is quite hard to get the ginger out and was always going to take several bleaching sessions. I can’t do what I want with it until I get the ginger bits out. It would be okay but for a ginger build up in places.

I don’t think I’ll ever make the grade in regards to life. I have tried so hard to make the grade but I just won’t ever reach the standards required. The fact that I am not pretty like a lot of females doesn’t bother me, it never has whatsoever. I do not wear a lot of make up and am certainly not fashionable. I have my own style which I am comfortable with and not changing it. It is more the social things that come with my PDA which I really don’t like. It isn’t even that I don’t like being that way, however, I feel quite left out and different from those around me. I’m more concerned about being looked at as a freak by others. I thought that I was just backward and behind in maturity. I now find out that this isn’t the case.

I have seriously tried to date other people of both sexes just to basically experiment. I was trying to find out who I was because I honestly didn’t even know. I couldn’t feel anything for them strong enough to do anything physical and I couldn’t even emotionally connect either. Even the ones I thought that I’d fallen for in some kind of way, I still couldn’t physically do anything with them. I only want to be friends and, even then, there are days when I do not wish to be around anyone else. I’m not a virgin, I have been with someone to get pregnant because I wanted my son. But, I just have absolutely no interest there whatsoever. I thought I’d be able to do it but I just can’t.

I’ve found out that I can be totally into someone as far as attraction goes and then just not being able to do physical contact. I feel absolutely stupid. I’m sure that others will see it as weird. I’m just so uncomfortable I’m planning to hit the nearest exit if they even touch me. I don’t even mind being around others but there are times when I just have to get away. I do not socialise anymore and I do not miss it. I used to feel lonely but I do not anymore. I used to crave friendships when I was younger. I used to want to fit in and be surrounded by people. I’m becoming completely the opposite now.

I’m open to a point but I do not like people asking me questions which I find personal. I completely refuse to answer them. I was open and honest in the past and I only got treated awfully because of it. I refuse to be put in those positions ever again. I’m also getting more concerned in regards to making myself a burden in a relationship or even in a friendship. I don’t want to be seen as a burden because others think they have to ‘look after me’ due to my PDA traits. I do not like being ‘looked after’ either because that isn’t what I’m used to and after being in care (as a vulnerable adult) it is definitely something I absolutely despise. I don’t mind people helping me out but I wouldn’t want anything more than that level.

I don’t like being petrified of people. I literally jump if someone comes near me unexpectedly. It is actually an involuntary response because I can’t stop myself being jumpy. I care quite a bit about others but please do not come too close to me. I know how clumsy I am. I do not like people to even hug me in case I put my arm out to stop them which hits them by mistake. It just feels wrong and alien to me, not just because I am not used to it. I just feel cornered and because I feel everything from other people it is much too intense. I know that my innate fear of others has made me lash out at people. I’m not very settled most of the time. I’ve always felt a bit ADHD and OCD. Those aspects combined have led me into meltdowns and patterns I could never break enough not to lose what and who was important to me. I know that I simply can never let my defences down. I’m always going to over react to everything because my fears are seeing whatever is happening to me as very personal attack.

And, another thing, I absolutely hate exercise and fitness stuff. I’m only doing it to keep some form of figure. I walk miles listening to music through my headphones to have me time away from others.