Today wasn’t great.

I just can’t get down in weight whatsoever. I have absolutely tried everything. It works at first but then I go back up. I gained an inch around my hips and half an inch around my waist. Admittedly, I’ve not been the Gym in a week and haven’t been able to walk like I normally do because of the damn rain that just keeps coming for the last couple of days. It annoys me because I’m hardly eating and I’ve been doing the abs exercise app nearly every day. It worked at first but it is no longer is making a difference. I get told by friends that I should just go up a clothing size because I’m obviously too curvy as I’m maturing. I am not even happy about no longer a size 10 properly, let alone wearing size 12 clothing. I have no problem with other women being ‘curvy’ but I know that it isn’t me. I can see everything ‘expanding’ and I absolutely feel like I’m no longer me. Others can be on the bigger side, it doesn’t matter to me… however, when it is me, I don’t want that. Others have told me that I’ll always be miserable if I do not accept the person who I am. I’m constantly fighting a body that wants to be ‘curvier’ and I see curvier as ‘fat’. I can’t even look at a cake without gaining some weight.

I also caved in and took one of those Solpadine Plus painkillers today. I tried to cold turkey but then the cravings came back after a few days of nothing. I’m using them to get through my revision and exams at the moment. I’m going to make a huge effort in the summer when I’ve got more time to myself and there is ‘less pressure’. Although, socially, for a person with PDA there is always ‘pressure’ to be ‘normal’. I know that this will never be. That causes me stress in itself. I don’t always want to be ‘on the outside’ but until attitudes change and middle ground is reached between society’s expectations and our limitations/weaknesses then there won’t be a reduction of that constant stress feeling within me. I can’t teach others with the blog unless they wish to be listen and take in the information that I’m trying to explain to them. It’s something people don’t read things about unless they’re directly involved with someone that has it.

I’ve done some revision today but I’m no where near ready for my exam. I learning little bits every day but I’m sure I’ll forget them. I’m not thinking about anything right now. I’m listening to Nightwish while typing this entry. I sometimes feel like walking away from the endless task of trying to make people aware and more accepting of Autism (and especially the type that I have). I get extremely tired. It is just far too much.

I’ve had to develop a thick skin because of others being determined not to understand. The things that people called me, said to me and the way they’ve treated me, sometimes makes me feel like throwing in the towel on a daily basis. Those that are bullies and generally the prejudice ones probably wish that I’d do that. Unfortunately, for them, there is something that always keeps me going because I believe that one day we will get people to see the way forward. We will dispel the fear that surrounds anything to do with any form of mental illness. I do not think that it will be something I’ll see in my lifetime. However, every little helps, everything we do now is preventing the future generation from going through our experiences. I do need to do more but I’m too busy trying to get my education now.