What people say and how I see things.

I know that other people try to help by saying some things, but they really aren’t being helpful. There was one comment made to me a few weeks ago. This was in regards to them saying that in the future they know I will go back to work at the university. In reality, a permanent exclusion is only enforceble for ten years.

However, the order still being in force by then could complicate things. That is why I have such an effort with it being indefinite. In legal terms I’ve since found out indefinite actually means for an undetermined time and if the court was asked in a few years they’d be determining in respects of it being a reasonable time passed. It is actually against human rights to put a disabled person under such a contract especially when I have honestly and upfrontly explained my PDA to others. I just end up practically speaking to brick walls. No one is prepared to listen. They just have the aim to make me shut up and put up. That aim had caused me serious damage. The avoidance and anxiety that I experience was part of my disability are so sky high that socially I can’t go out anymore. That would totally be avoidable if others see what I’ve tried to get them to see every time I originally broke that order. Lifting it would free me of this anxiety, the weight gain and may be I would feel safe enough to go out socialising again.

Also, I see the university community as hating me. There is no in between. They think I’m weird and an awful person. There is no grey areas with my disability thought process. Therefore, people giving me false future hopes in regards to potentially working at the place in the future completely soul destroys me worse.

Then there are people that tell me that having a relationship with children I’m related to will help me fill the void of losing my own child. Admittedly, these people who said these things have their own children and don’t have a clue what it’s like to be in my position. It still hurts like a knife being stabbed into me being in the same area as children. People talk about their kids and I just blank it because it avoids the painful feelings. The same when people talk about their careers. I won’t be allowed to have one of them either because others just look at my record and disability. They don’t look at me underneath it. They certainly don’t see any of the skills related to my qualifications because they don’t want to. I’ve consequently never been employed. I have volunteered a bit but people with criminal records are even getting automatically rejected for them as well nowadays. The only reason why I’m manager at the online project fledglings is because I sold myself on my creative skills and my understanding in mental health. I started as a feedback volunteer on the wings. I ended up management 3 months after I started there. It would be nice to have that opportunity in an offline based role.