Just some of the reasons why I need support… and one huge decision.

I woke up today to find two letters that I did not really want to see. The court has now asked for fines from my account again regarding the case. I rang up to find that there had been a mistake because when my DLA (Disability Living Allowance) was due to end in December the benefits office told them that I was no longer on benefits. I never even got a letter from the court informing me that there was still anything owing on the account. I only was informed today that they are now taking £5 a week from my ESA (Employment and Support Allowance). I won’t get started on the reasons why I don’t want to pay the victims compensation from the last court appearance because I’ve stated my reasons before.

I have already paid approximately £600 (£300 of that victim compensation) throughout the course of the case when I was discriminated against and basically got done for retaliating. I lost a load of money to ‘Psychics’ that took advantage of the situation. And also, now my benefits have been cut due to the DLA ending and the PIP (Personal Independence Payment) replacing it. I got denied PIP and I’m on the mandatory reconsideration stage. I am primed to get the MP involved as soon as I hear from them in the next letter because other people diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome has had to do this in other areas of this county. I’m fully expecting a no to giving me anything. I wouldn’t even argue if it was half of what I got on DLA. However, I cannot live off of nothing.

Then, there was another mix up regarding the housing benefit. I have been told I am at the local housing allowance limit for this area. I was expecting that because the woman on the phone told me that there is no way that I’d get the extra through that route. I have applied for Discretionary Housing Benefit but I haven’t heard anything yet. Anyway, I got a letter this morning telling me that I owe approximately £400 of housing benefit because I’d made an application to Universal Credit 5 weeks ago. I thought that it had automatically been cancelled because I decided that it wasn’t a wise idea to switch to that benefit until I absolutely necessary because I’ve heard the stories of how that system is just like the PIP. I rang Universal Credit to explain the situation.

They’ve definitely cancelled the application now. I haven’t managed to get hold of the council today because their line was busy (always happens after a bank holiday). I was told to inform them that no extra money has been paid to me, therefore I owe absolutely nothing to them. I’m not used to these systems. If I’d still had support then these things probably wouldn’t have happened. It’s just about all sorted now though. I just have to speak to the council and then everyone has the information that they are supposed to have to correct the issues.

I don’t feel very well today. I’m probably anemic again because of my monthly being the way it was again. I’ve had nails just snapping and my hair also looks quite a state (although that could be bleach damage). I’m really craving painkillers again. I’ve been off of them 4 days. The first fortnight is normally the worst, after that the pull has gone and you can walk passed a pharmacy without the urge to go buy them. I’m still in the process of making a decision before I go to the GP next week. I have to seriously make a firm decision whether I want any more children.

I’ve had so many people tell me that I shouldn’t make a final decision this young because if I met someone in later life (let’s face it that isn’t going to happen) and then my mindset changed I’d end up not being able to have kids with them. They also wouldn’t be happy if they wanted them too. Most people have children from previous relationships nowadays, hopefully they’d already have had children with someone else before a relationship breakdown. I don’t mind being anyone’s step mother if the situation arose. I’d probably been seen as the evil stepmother though. I’m evil in many capacities.

I cannot stand these health problems caused by how my monthlies have gone. I’m constantly anemic (that causes the above issues like breaking nails and splitting hair). Every time I get given iron supplement tablets it makes my monthlies ten times worse and they already affect my life at a ‘normal’ level. The hormonal side of it has affected my other issues regarding behaviour problems/autism etc. I know that a Hysterectomy may sound like a drastic suggestion to those that do not experience what I do.

If I have that operation it will take all of that hormones and the cause of my constant anemia away. I’m constantly tired, and although I have nights where I cannot sleep and I do sleep during the day a lot, I do feel that this has a lot to do with hormones. I also technically won’t be able to drive for at least 6 weeks if I do push for the operation. I could probably shrink the recovery time to 3 weeks because I’m that kind of person. I’m used to living with challenges. I go by how I feel, not standard medical advice. If I feel okay to drive, then I will be driving around before those six weeks are up. This option, I feel, is the best one that is available for me. Even if I wanted more children, the services would never let me keep a child. They took my first one and I won’t get rid of my disability. They will always have the same excuses and will be able to take subsequent children straight from the hospital. I’ve seen it happen so many times to other people in the system. I’m not letting others put me through that heartache again. I’m not keen on the thought of the pain of childbirth again either. There seems to be more positive things regarding taking this ‘drastic’ (but not in my eyes) action. The children that are in the library are also putting me off having any more children. I’m torn though, half of me would love them, but when I see what they’re like, the other half of me is do NOT go there.