I have not even touched an Easter Egg this year. I can’t even look at an Easter Egg without gaining weight nowadays. I’m actually classed as slightly overweight, even though no one can actually see that I’m overweight. If I was taller by a few inches then I wouldn’t be categorised by BMI as ‘Overweight’. I have curves but they aren’t rolls of fat. I know that on the latest profile photo on my fb there isn’t anything visible, but most of my fatter parts are on the other side of my body and lower than the photo…. and there is no way that a photo is going up showing any of that. That photo doesn’t show anything really. I have my back to the camera so there isn’t anything ‘on show’. I’m not comfortable showing any more off. I don’t mind doing implied photos, but not showing everything. I like to keep the bits I know are a bit bigger covered though. I’ve always hated those bits. Before I start getting into complaining about my weight mode. I’m moving on to the main part of this entry.
The alternative Easter message is things that I wanted to say at this time because I feel that it’s appropriate so that others can think about things. This is what the religious organisations are doing right now. That is what their Easter is about. I’m not religious but there are certain things that I want others to think about in regards to life in general. This may come across as insulting to some, but I am speaking from the perspective of those of us in the system who have been ‘let down’. I don’t want to sound bitter but there are certain things that need to be said. I’m normally the one that is brave (or in some cases stupid) enough to say it.
Those working within the system who get told their doing a brilliant job or get given awards for the work they do within their jobs shouldn’t be proud of themselves. They do not deserve to feel proud of themselves because there are many people, like myself, who have slipped through the net because of being judged wrongly. We don’t get given any of the help. The ‘help’ we get given make things worse for us. The ‘help’ is basically isolated, ostracised and taunted for being different and then finally punished for fighting back at how they were treated. If others really want to be ‘good’ people then they could try helping the likes of me out. I wasn’t how I was portrayed most of my life.
People like me cannot move forward in life if no one is prepared to help them or just judge them for their past actions. All these religious and non-religious people alike talk about forgiveness and giving people a chance. Not judging people for things that they can’t help. E.g. Disability traits. But, at the end of the day. All I see is people not practicing what they preach. I have NEVER kicked off (saying awful stuff via writing, email etc) without being provoked beforehand. I wasn’t being listened to or understood. Even a saint would lose it after experiencing that for an extended period of time.
The damage that has been done to me far outweighs the damage I supposedly did to others who I retaliated against for letting me down. I do not trust anyone now. I constantly doubt myself when I’m out wondering if people are thinking negatively about me. I may have booked my concert tickets but there is about a 95% chance I probably won’t go when it comes to it. I don’t think I will socially go out again. That hasn’t change in a year or so, it might be like this for the rest of my life. This is all because I was let down. I’m always going to be single because I cannot let my guard down enough to be in a relationship due to how I’ve been treated. I’m not going to have a career because of being labelled a criminal for my disability traits rather than helped as a youngster.
PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome) needs to be understood and it’s only just being talked about, let alone recognised enough for professionals to understand it enough to provide help. Those of us that haven’t got the help for it (or in my case, punished for it) have now gone into extreme avoidance mode where our anxieties have stopped us going out much and we can’t maintain relationships because of our social anxiety. I don’t feel like this existence is something I can take for the rest of my life. I hate it, but I can’t fight the anxiety and avoidance of every day life that my experiences have made worse. The pathological aspect of PDA means that anxiety etc can literally make me ill. Others not understanding this causes me extreme distress which on top of that makes me very physically ill. Stress and emotional upset can actually make me physically sick or at least feel sick.
I would like others to think about those of us that have and continue to be let down because our disabilities are either not recognised, understood or both.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 