I had the most horrendous nights sleep because I just couldn’t settle. I cancelled my doctors appointment due to the fact that was causing my anxiety to hit the roof. I hadn’t slept all night and it was early this morning. I still look shattered. The bags under my eyes look like someone has punched them. I did my walk but I had to drink a lot of caffeinated fizzy drinks on the way around. That isn’t the best way to lose as much weight as possible but I haven’t eaten much today so it’s not too bad. I need to do some housework because it’s getting a bit messy in here.
I get tired a lot and it doesn’t get done. I’ve rebooked my doctors appointment for another fortnight. I will have come off of my anti depressants by then (arrangement with doctor because I wasn’t happy with some of the side effects of the current ones). It’s probably better I go then to a double appointment so that everything is sorted out at once. I will also have had my monthly by then (next week which is probably another reason why I can’t settle enough to sleep). I know I’m not well physically and it’s annoyed me that the tests I’ve had to do with my monthlies came back with nothing. There is definitely something. It is either that or stress making its way into a manifestation of physical illness. As I’ve said before, I do not like how things are but I’m having to put up and shut up due to others refusing to see my point of view. There is no way that I can make others see certain things.
Then I have my Mother and landlord apparently agree that my flat is a bit messy verging on grubby. I had my Mother tell me this earlier because she’d had a conversation with him on the phone. Instead of telling me my place is a tip, knowing that I’m always tired… maybe not my landlord, but my Mother could at least help me out by tidying my place occasionally. I’m not asking for a weekly cleaning service but trying to do every day essentials and studying (to pass the exams I have coming up) is hard enough when you’re constantly exhausted.
I had a call from someone wanting a reading a few days ago. I do not do them now and haven’t for over a year. I’m trying to get all the adverts off of the internet etc. I may not do readings anymore, but it would be a relief to get rid of that side of me altogether. Being open and honest about the things that I could do was a factor that got me sectioned when I was younger. I was naïve and assumed everyone could do or feel the things that I do. I hate feeling things nowadays though. Even when I met the other person in the situation I’ve referred to above which continues to bug me because I do not want things like this long term, I had my tarot cards scattered on the floor in a cascading type circle after I got home from this person’s lectures just before everything kicked off at the very beginning.
I thought about the other person a few months ago and was woken up by something attacking me. I woke up and saw the outline of a ‘larger’ woman in the hallway next to my bedroom which disappeared quite quickly and then I turned over, dropped back off to sleep. When I woke up that time I saw a mans face on my pillow next to me. None of these things started happening to me until others got involved. It’s like a lot of things have been triggered.
I don’t want anything to attack me when I’m asleep again, but I’d just like to point out to the living and those that have passed over that I have absolutely no harmful intentions to the other person. I may have been angry about getting kicked out of university and lashed out at them but now I wish them no harm. I just don’t want the order on long term due to implications it will have for my record and I hate things being the way they are at the moment. I was pushed on all sides to snap in the way that I did. It was nothing personal toward them and I’d appreciate it if others saw how sorry I am. I do hate myself for the things I said but they weren’t in my character. I don’t want them to hate me long term. I may have said some things that just slipped out when I had their friends talking to me. However, some of the things their friends said to me was quite cruel and the things that they accused me of (the intent mostly and saying that I terrorised the other person) really upset me. That was never my intent. I felt let down and no one explained anything to me. I got kicked out and forced to accept being treated that way.