Addiction is something that slowly takes over a person’s life. There are different stages of Addiction which someone goes through. I’ve been through the stage where I’d rather not have this addiction to Solpadine painkillers and I did come off them a few times. Those were the times when I cared and didn’t want to be ‘hooked’ on them. I cannot get through a day without taking one or more dosages at the moment. It’s not even for pain but it gives me a lift to basically get through the day.
Addiction is caused by things in a person’s life. There is no one who just ‘becomes an addict’. A person could come from a perfect background in the way that they were bought up but there would be a ‘trigger’ somewhere. I know how my reliance on these things started. The feeling of not being wanted by others. The way I got labelled by others was so hurtful that I started taking these things not to care about those judgments. I don’t like feeling like I’m just existing in life. I can’t get a job because of having been given a criminal record for my Autism traits.
I’m not allowed to move on with my life because those who have no understanding of the type of Autism (PDA) that I have constantly tell me that health and safety is unmanageable so I’m told to leave places. The education places have been the worse for this kind of crap. I would understand if they’d actually properly supported me and it hadn’t worked out. But, quite honestly, they don’t even make an effort to get to know me enough to see that my Autism doesn’t mean I pose any threat. Even when it comes to the University situation, I posed no threat. I never did at school but I always retaliated when I got kicked out because having a career was an important goal to me.
As a younger person, you have absolutely no self control if someone does something that hurts you. I never matured until recently so I did have that loose cannon side of me. I was the one bullied at school, so eventually I learned to retaliate. I got overly sensitive. I am still the girl that has never been kissed. I would be a virgin if I hadn’t ‘gone there’ to get pregnant because I wanted a child. I have absolutely no interest in guys or even women in that way. I know that people have made a vast amount of assumption regarding my sexuality. I’m neither gay or straight. I’m indifferent and do not believe in labelling anyone by their romantic preferences.
Labelling is such a modern concept. The labelling system was supposed to make everything more simple and understandable. I think it has created the opposite. It’s made it more complicated for people to understand. e.g I’m labelled a criminal, that has a negative connotation about it. Others assume that you’ve done some extremely awful in order to be labelled in that way. In reality, I just wanted a friend and got caught up in a law change.
Every time I have got done I was just reacting to discrimination I’d experienced. People don’t know the ‘full story’ and neither did the court because I pleaded guilty to everything. I wish I’d have pleaded not guilty from the beginning of the situation so that everything would have come out. Both sides of the case on the last occasion was definitely not told all the information (the system does this on purpose) and I feel that a trial by jury would have forced everything out into the open. I was only reacting to things that had been done to me. I do not have the character of a ‘criminal’ and I’m hoping that one day people will see this. However, in our labelling culture there isn’t much of a chance that others will ever see that. I probably won’t ever be given a chance. I know that I need that chance to beat the addiction.
I do not wish to point fingers. But, the way others have treated me have caused my addiction. It isn’t just more recently. The whole of my life since I was a teenager, I have been treated like my differences and issues make me a danger. I’ve seen things on file which has fuelled this addiction. I know that I’m not the only person that has been through the system growing up who has had this happen to them. This is why there is so many anti stigma mental health campaigns out there nowadays because the judgments cause long term damage. Those judgments have ruined lives. The judgments made about me have ruined my life.
I’ve been shoved through court several times during my life when all I needed was a friend. I can never go back to the local university after my permanent exclusion (they excluded me for the way I communicated). I have a restraining order on my name which I do not deserve but because of other people’s perceptions of things that they do not understand (this has made my addiction quite severe due to how it makes me feel on a daily basis) and because all the untrue assumptions which ‘professionals’ wrote about me growing up, I had my son taken for adoption and official letterbox contact refused. Those lies about me were most probably fed to the adopters which is why they didn’t write back after I extended them an olive branch of peace in the form of the sweet letter I wrote to them.
And, also, as I’ve said before, I had so little schooling that I actually taught myself to talk and write by listening to song words. I repeated what I heard and what I’d learned without thinking whether or not they were ‘appropriate’ or not.
I created this blog to be frank and honest about the reality of life on the spectrum and having mental health problems. I’m being frank now. I have got to the point where I no longer care about this addiction. I do not want the help to get off of these painkiller things. I have accepted that this is always going to be my life. I’m giving up because if no one has given me a chance so far and judged me, then this is always going to be the case.