Trying to explain your past younger selves actions is very difficult.

I slept quite well last night. I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open and nearly fell asleep typing the previous entry. The annoying thing about that is despite having had a rest, I still feel tired. I don’t feel as tired to the degree I normally do. I’m sure that a few nights sleep like the one I had last night will get rid of that tiredness altogether. It would be so good to just have the energy back that I used to have about 2 years ago. I’m going to yet another GP’s appointment next week to bring up this tiredness issue amongst other slightly more personal issues which I’m not going into on here. I’m looking forward to a complete week off of everything. The therapy group and college isn’t on. I do still need to revise and it is a perfect opportunity to catch up with that side of things. I’ve resorted to spider diagramming and writing in coloured pen to force my brain to remember things. I’m sure that lack of confidence is making me feel like I’m definitely going to fail my GCSE Law exam. I do it with my functional skills Maths all the time and then I get feedback from the tutor that says I got the answer right. I doubt myself too much and I’ve started getting very paranoid about how others perceive me because of my experiences.

I had a visit from my landlord this afternoon. The new contract for the flat needs to be signed. I need to look through it, sign it and return it to him. The deposit came up in conversation. This had originally been returned to me due to the landlord changing letting agents when he first purchased the property (I was already in it). The other letting agent was suppose to ask me for the deposit back. I even asked them about it and they told me not to worry about it they didn’t need it back. I kind of scooted around directly answering how the deposit for the flat got spent. It is quite difficult to explain my younger selves actions without sounding like a complete imbecile. The fact that I got conned by Psychics to the tune of 15 grand is quite humiliating for me to admit as the person I am today. I wouldn’t have fallen for it now. I was vulnerable and very depressed at my life when they got that money off of me. I had to use the deposit to pay the council after I used their card to pay for psychic readings. I spent £1,500 on their prepayment card. If I hadn’t paid it straight back then I could have got charged with fraud because of the intention to permanently deprive the council of their property.

The landlord knows that I haven’t got the money and there is no way that after being refused PIP and my DLA ending I’d ever be able to save that amount again. I read between the lines and know that he was hinting he’d like it back at some point. I feel awful for spending it as a stupid twenty something, but I am in no position to even have that amount saved at the moment. I also had to pay that amount out in court fines and compensation combined. If the other person went to the Criminal Case Review Commission and explained to them that it was just circumstances and that I never should have been punished for anything that happened. I could get that money back that I had to pay for the court case. I’m not asking for others to wipe my conviction (although that would be nice along with taking away the order because it’s on my record which will prevent me being able to gain employment). At the end of the day I did not go and smack the sh*t out of another person. I didn’t even know the truth for two years which is why I made all the mistakes that I did. It was more of a huge misunderstanding than anything malicious.

I’m not an evil person and if there is a way of others letting me have the money back at the very least I’d appreciate it. I read that there is a way to get cases reviewed and changes made if there has been any change in circumstances. There has really because everything became known two years after everything happened after it had already been through court and a restraining order made on the original evidence. I’d be grateful for a compromise in regards that the order is either taken off or at least put back to the 18 months and I can recover my money, even if I have to keep the conviction because the law I broke is a statute and mens rea etc isn’t taken into account. Right now, the money and order are my main concern because a conviction gets spent under the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act (but I do have to get off of the 117 aftercare for it to become spent, that will be argued later on this year at a review because I’m not getting any services on it yet being left hanging there). I could do with money because of financial difficulties that have sprung up and a restraining order remains on someone’s record for ten years after it’s discharged. I need a clean record and I have worked my ass off 24/7 (especially recently) to get chances from others and to be given a chance at life without people making assumptions about who I am and punishing me for my past actions any longer.