Triggered by recent events, but I’ve only just realised.

After someone’s friends laid into me I felt different. Then, weeks later I started thinking about events in my life that I haven’t thought of for many years. They triggered everything for me. It was only small barely noticeable things at first. But, now it’s really obvious. It’s not a good thing. I repressed those things for a reason. It was an awful time in my life. I was in floods of tears earlier due to certain things I keep thinking about. The things I saw in the Psychiatric Unit I was in as a 19 year old was terrifying. I was the youngest on an adult unit. And, I’m not proud of how I learned to survive. I was attacked by someone when they were hearing voices. I must have subconsciously never forgotten it because a few months after that I threw tea over the other woman.

That wasn’t in my character. I am not normally a violent person, but the psychiatrist put me on Quetiapine, which didn’t suit me at all. I felt quite agitated on it and I did tell the staff that it wasn’t suiting me but they had to leave me on it until the Psychiatrist came round. That wasn’t until the next day. I ended up on 1 to 1 and trashed my room after throwing hot tea over the other patient. I wasn’t able to refuse the medication myself because I was still on a section and the staff had to keep giving me them until instructed otherwise by the Psychiatrist. That may have got put on my notes, but that was a huge reaction to the medication I was given and totally out of character. I have recently started to feel a tremendous amount of guilt for throwing hot tea over the other patient. I just see them screaming in my head as the hot tea went all over them. I can’t get that image out of my head. I was actually aiming for the nurse in charge because I had my unescorted leave cancelled until the Psychiatrist could get to see me. They were suppose to come that day but then we got told that they’d been called away to another part of the hospital for an emergency. I’m sure that if I hadn’t started acting out then I’d have been waiting days with my unescorted leave cancelled.

I feel even more guilty in regards to that other patient. Her life circumstances were awful enough without having tea thrown over her. The woman had been in secure units as well as the infamous high secure psychiatric hospital (that I cannot name for legal reasons on a public blog). I don’t want to make her identifiable to anyone who may be reading the blog either. The woman didn’t have a very high chance of ever getting out of a secure unit type place. I feel awful for being free (well in some sense anyway) on the outside, when so many that I met in that unit will never get to do that. I had a friend that I met in there who died from anorexia (spoken about her previously on here). She never got to grow up to do things like get married, have a job etc. Unfortunately she’d never have had any children because she’d been anorexic since her late childhood and basically she never went through puberty. It was quite sad to watch someone that looked the size of an 8 year old (actual age early 20s) refuse to eat and walk around the hospitals grounds repeatedly. They moved her to a specialist eating disorder hospital and later I found out she’d passed away. It seemed unreal that the cheery smiley girl that I’d made friends with was gone. The eating disorder took that away from her before she passed away. I only wish that she could have seen how beautiful she was and that she wasn’t fat. I looked up to her because she was older than me. I wished that I was as confident and funny as her.

I won’t go into everything on here because I don’t want to do that. I just realise how traumatised I am and how I’ve never thought about any of this for the 10 years after I came out of that place.