I’ve been thinking… and maybe over analysing things… but when I’m this worn out it’s so easy to do.

I’ve only just got in today after being out since 8 a.m. It is now nearly 6 p.m. I am really tired and can feel a migraine coming on. I have pushed myself constantly all day because I had a lot on. I do feel it when I push myself hard. I stopped at the supermarket on the way home for a few bits and cash out of the machine. I literally felt dizzy in there because the feeling of being worn out just hit me. I then started getting a migraine. I wasn’t feeling that settled this morning anyway. I nearly walked out of my Maths class (well didn’t go back after break) because I just had the wanting to escape feeling. It wasn’t personal about anyone around me but I just felt like I had to go. I stopped myself, but I was so close to walking out of the door and not going back.

I’m more affected by what has happened than I am prepared to acknowledge. I had a comment made to me by a neighbour yesterday which I know probably wasn’t meant to be offensive but I took it that way. They asked me why I was always on my own away from people. I just said I preferred it. But, then I thought to myself, why the hell should I explain the way I live my life to someone else. If I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with other people after how I have been treated in my life, then that is my business. I do not have to justify it to them.

I’ve also been thinking about everything that has happened. Why did everyone who attacked me via social networking not contact me until 2 years after it had been going on? If others had just contacted me before everything blew up into a massive mess then what is now could had been avoided. I would have appreciated someone at least coming to me and informing me about what the other person had been apparently saying behind my back. Instead, they ended up making a fool of me because I had no idea just how awful the things were that they had been saying behind my back. The other person was making me look completely awful and I had absolutely no idea. Those that knew the other person or me could have tipped me off a hell of a lot earlier. I don’t like looking like a fool and being put through the things which I was put through. I may be socially naïve but I am sure that people added me to fish to see what would make me react. Then they were triggering both sides of the situation to see ‘the fireworks’. I don’t know how those individuals can call themselves friends of the other person. A friend wouldn’t want to make things worse for them by winding everyone up. I truly cared about their friend and I still feel terrible for what happened every single day of my life. The other person never wants to see me again.

However, despite how awfully I feel they treated me, I still care. If they needed something from me and they had dropped the order, then I’d still be there for them in a heartbeat. It’s not their fault that they didn’t understand my disability or wasn’t able to cope with it, and given  what has come out, I am sure that other individuals have been stirring the pot for a while to make that aspect right. These individuals that did that are just superficial. I had a reason for acting the way that I did because I knew no better. I had never been in a relationship so I had no experience of knowing what not to do. They had absolutely no excuse for acting like they did within the situation. I know that some of them have been accessing my blog for a very long time. I’ve managed to get over my feelings of anger towards what the other person involved said in judgment of me during the case. That was extremely difficult. Regardless whether I wish to be connected to the other person, I will always feel things because I’m naturally able to feel things. Those that don’t have those abilities tell me that I should never forgive the other person. Also, the mature thing to do is not to hate another or hold on to past resentments for their actions or things they said, but try to understand them as a person. I can feel things and I’m not saying them on here because I could give information out that others want kept private.

But, in regards to testing ‘my gift’ (which I see as a curse), I’m just going to say a bit of what I pick up. I see a group of ‘gossiping’ women that includes the other person involved in the situation. Each one of those in that group has spread their version of what was relayed to them by the other person. I hope that this proves to others that doubt I have that intuitive streak within me. I hate it. I find it annoying. Especially when I walk into a crowded place, all these feelings hit me from others and if I sense that someone is suffering I cannot shake it off. I hate being powerless to do anything about it. I’ve never seen the sense in feelings and being able to pick things up if I cannot stop them. I actually dreamt about my Dad’s death 8 weeks before it occurred. I felt so guilty the day I got given the news (I was living away from home down south at the time). I’d only spoken to my Dad the day before. I later found out that he also knew that it was ‘his time’ (think I inherited the ability) because my Mum said he’d woken up from a nap on the sofa a few days before that saying he was dying, she told him to stop being daft basically. A few days later he’d passed away.

There is a photograph of a part of the lake district with my Grandad who passed away when I was just 4 years old, which I remember visiting with my Dad very near the time he passed away. As a very young child I remember waking up after having a dream of my Grandad there. I told my parents and they were just like okay. I saw my Dad in dreams for about 3 years after he passed away. Then I had a dream where they were both in the location where the photo had been taken. They were both happy and there was a huge rainbow in the sky. After that, I never saw my Dad in a dream again. I’m sure that my Grandad (his Dad) came to ‘fetch him’ once he’d accepted his passing. He was only 62 and even though he was ill for a very long time, but it doesn’t mean that he accepted it. I remember talking to him in a dream not long before I had that dream of him and Grandad, I told him that he could go because I was grown up and didn’t need him hanging around any longer. I don’t like the thought of him hanging around in spirit when he could move on. I was losing my son to adoption at that time and I didn’t want him to see that. I never wanted him to see me break down completely to something he would never have recognised. I was suffering after my son’s adoption for a very long time and everyone I seemed to be involved with made things worse for me. 

Then there is those really small things that happen. For instance, I had the song Perfect by Fairground Attraction come into my head. Then I flicked onto a radio station and it was playing on it. I don’t even like the song that much. I do that quite regularly. I have a song pop in my head that I haven’t heard in a while, flick through a few radio stations and it’s literally on one of them. I sense things all the time. I try to protect everyone around me by trying to carry on as normal. It was a huge burden more in the past. I have found more ways to block it as I have got older.  Those that are into the spiritual stuff (who I have found randomly throughout my life in may different places) tell me I’m not Autistic but an empath who hadn’t a clue how to deal with how much they felt the world around them. I do get overwhelmed easily. I get very irritated with all the awful things that go on in this world. I have ended up in tears because I feel so much. I don’t think that I even have depression as such, I just look around and feel things so intensely. I see so much cruelty and pain in a hateful world.