I lost my son to adoption approximately four years ago now. I thought that it would help others that have also lost their children to adoption if I wrote an entry on this topic today. I’m not very well as I still have a bad stomach which means I’m probably not going to type a very long entry tonight. I’m hoping that it goes away soon as I’ve had it since Friday.
Those of you that have known me or have met me throughout the last few years will have seen how affected I was at times. This is the first time since my son was adopted that I’ve not felt affected negatively by days such as Mother’s Day. I’ll never be fully over losing my son to adoption. However, I’ve learned to numb myself. I still feel many things but I’m no longer climbing the walls and as distressed as I used to be for at least two to three years afterward. I’ve gone from over feeling things to just numbing myself enough to get through life without getting myself into trouble. I’m not even depressed. It’s more numbness and tired from all that has happened in my life. I no longer ‘feel’ anymore. That is the only way that I can possibly carry on in my every day life.
I can’t really say that I am not affected by things I see around me when it comes to others having babies etc. I still do get tearful because I wish that I could have had a chance. I don’t see another point in my life where I’ll ever have another baby. Even a relationship seems something that I’ll never ever have in my life. I just have no desire for a relationship so this doesn’t bother me as much. I think as a female it seems like a natural thing to be a Mother etc. That is what I wanted when I decided to have my son. I wasn’t really a Mother type. I mainly had a child because I wanted to fill the void that I have always had because my Mother wasn’t at all warm toward me. I thought that by having my own child I’d fix that void, but it doesn’t work that way. I do miss my son very much and I wish I could see him again. That may never happen though because I wrote to the adoptive parents via letterbox and have never had any reply. I know that it was passed on because I had a conversation with the letterbox coordinator. There was no contact order approved at the adoption hearing. Therefore this means that it is quite unlikely that my son will ever be a part of my life at any point.
I also think that it is the time I really open up to the reasoning behind my behaviour ‘problems’. Well, what people have labelled ‘problems’. I am not happy about the fact that I was labelled a ‘criminal’, instead of getting the understanding which I needed. I know that it is hard for others to understand that came from very close knitted families where their Mothers were loving and warm. They have no idea what it is like to have a Mother that was always cold. I constantly used to look for the Mother I never had. I am not an awful person. I am aware that I have came across awful at times. I never did those things on purpose and I’d like everyone to see me for the decent person I actually am. I was a lost, lonely and extremely affected by my past. I couldn’t help being like that. I’m never going to get over my past completely. I just realised that other people are never going to help me. If I rely on anyone else then I’ll just be punished again and again. Others will just walk away from me and report me for being ‘different’. That is my reality and it has been for years. I will now never trust other people again. I have to live with the fact that I’ll never have the Mother that I searched for in others for many years.