I have tried so hard to hide my pain because that is what others have demanded. But, I simply can’t any longer. I can barely sleep and haven’t eaten properly in many days. I’m breaking up over everything that has happened. I cannot avoid it any longer. I know for a fact that I wasn’t the one in the wrong in regards to the university situation. I was pushed and pushed to react in the way that I did. I was the one that was effectively ‘thrown under a bus’ by the tutor. It’s not right that I get seen as an awful person for saying things in retaliation to how awfully I was treated. Others don’t get how against injustice I am. It’s a thing I strongly can’t stand. And it causes me huge distress to have to accept it. I will never subconsciously accept it.
This is what is causing me to slowly break apart. The way I was treated and the way the other person has treated me is something I can never let go. The pain I feel over it is eating away at me on a daily basis. I’ve tried to tell people around me for ages. They just brush it off and tell me to forget about it. I even tried to tell the other person but was just done again for breaking the order. On top of that the other person poked fun at me via the prosecution saying I was weird for wanting a Mother figure. These things have caused me deep routed pain an no one can even see what everything has done to me. I require understanding for my disability, not punishment. I NEVER had any ill intent towards anyone. But others intentionally went out to hurt me. I didn’t chose to have this PDA part of the spectrum. I just want understanding and others to at least meet me half way. All those that have punished me for my disability haven’t a clue what damage they’ve done which won’t ever be repaired. I can’t trust anyone now. I can never settle because I’m always afraid of people turning on me.
I don’t have a life worth living. I have no quality of life now half my benefits have been stopped. I won’t have the money to progress in life. I certainly won’t have enough to move out of this area. I’m actually better off dead. When I do sleep at night, I absolutely despise the thought of facing another day. It’s pure and utter hell because I constantly feel trapped by everything. I hate the days because each one that goes by is not solving anything. I’m never going to get employment now because of my record.
The other person really doesn’t have a clue how they’ve destroyed my life. Journalism was the thing I wanted to do from a very young age. That was my one chance to get onto the course where I was doing something that actually was something I wanted in life. Then the things they got put on my record afterward when they didn’t need to get the police involved. If someone had asked me what led up to me saying those things then I’d have told them what I’d been put through. Police interviews aren’t interested in those facts, only that you have a past and will use you as a target. The PTSD type symptoms that I had as a youngster due to the brutality of police involvement in my life has all been bought back. The damage they’ve caused me is insurmountable. And they add insult to injury to me by playing the victim. They’ve still got their job. Everyone believes that they’re completely the innocent party. No one believes my side of the story. According to all the local gossip, I’m the evil one. The other person is the narcissist who turned everything on me to keep their own status. They’ve lost absolutely nothing. I’ve lost everything. I was scammed by psychics, had to pay loads in compensation when I was the initial injured party. And, my chances of gaining employment now is absolutely ruined. I’m absolutely traumatised and I can’t pretend I’m not anymore. I can’t even think straight because I’m that upset over completely being screwed over at a time when I was already vulnerable after losing my son to adoption. Something the other person would never know anything about because they’ve never had any children.